Opposite of Speechless

a few things lately. And it's me, and it's late at night, so if you know me, you know it's time for...a list.

I've come to realize
   That you will never feel understood by some people
       That some people will always be far away friends, even when they are close.
               That some people will only be friends when they feel like it.
                        That you can go out of your way for friends but eventually the tide will turn and they may or may not go out of their way for you.
                                        That pants are warm to sleep in but hard to keep from bunching up.

That some people will never realize how much work goes into a friendship
                    That sometimes I'd rather have chocolate milk than an alcoholic drink
       Some people will surprise you with their goodness
                            Others acceptance really isn't as important as you may have thought
         

And tonight I sit by my tree and I type in my new pj's and slippers while our solar powered Pink Flamingos glow peacefully in our front yard, I am thankful. I am in love. I miss my friends.
I feel all three of these things simultaneously.
I am incredibly thankful for God giving me my family, laughter, beauty, unique oddballs, weird traditions and acceptance.
I am in love with someone who is in love with me, and I never thought this day would come. Instead of having a life raft in the form of a boyfriend, I have found someone who will swim with me. I did not fall, I just found someone who encourages me to stand by the very person they are. He is my best friend, and I have never felt love like this. 
My friends are the ones who will text me First. 
I will forever be grateful to Cristen and Veronica, because we fight. We disagree. We fling poo and make monkey noises [okay, that last one isn't true]. They've always come back. They've always texted me first.
It's the friends who hold up their end of the friendship that pop into your mind when you think of who you want to cry to. To vent to. 
It's the people that you aren't afraid to show frustration to, and the people you aren't afraid to admit to how much you love pink flamingos. 

And now we have gone full circle, and I love you all and hope you had a merry day full of...love. Loves. Loving?
AND CANDY!

Also: I started a Tumblr! Just for pictures. 

orientation for George Mason University! Yes people, I am going to be attending a LEGITIMATE college/university! 

It has taken a lot to get here. And by a lot, I mean obstacles that I have put in my own way by second guessing myself. I never would have thought that I would be so excited to [what feels like] start my life! 
--->Why is this "starting" my life?
Well I'm glad you asked kind italic print! Once I get this degree that tells the world that I can talk to people and help them with their lives and their problems, then I can go out and start actually DOING that! I can begin not just my job, but my career. I can start making big girl money and having big girl responsibilities. I can choose where I live! 

Also. I can get married :)

So tonight as I print out a campus map and all the paper work, as I enjoy my newly straightened hair and excitedly plan out what to wear [I'm thinking of going with "clothes"] I have this quote on my mind:

It doesn't matter that in high school I messed up so much. It doesn't matter that I took forever at my community college or that I changed my mind so much.
It doesn't matter that I've skipped so many classes, been late to so many things, NONE of that.
Tomorrow is a new beginning. 
And tomorrow I will start afresh not trying NOT to fail [ooooh double negative], but instead to be myself.

Lately I've been around a 17/18 year old and I started thinking about who I was and how I saw the world when I was that age. Really it wasn't that long ago. This isn't a post about how about how much I've changed, because really I haven't. This isn't even really about the things I wish I had known, because that's just not how life how works. 

Now don't get me wrong, everyone has changed from who they were at age 17 [hopefully]. Heck, I feel like I've changed from who I was when I was 20! But really when I'm around the teenager, all I can think of is a few key things that my eyes have been opened to:
-Everyone is different. That's something my younger friends constantly teach me, mainly because of the way that they haven't learned it yet. I have no idea how it's been so thoroughly pounded into my head, but it is a major Truth in my life. Which is always something I realize when someone is saying something to me that they truly believe applies to everyone and all I can think about is..."wonder when they'll learn?"
--Things aren't as big as they seem. Most of the time if something is a humongous deal, if you try and remember what it was a few weeks later you can't. Because it just wasn't that big of a thing. [Yet another thing I think of when I'm around my younger friends. It's like...CHILL YO. haha]
---Cherish your parents. Just take that statement and times it times 10.

But really?
I do wish I had known who I would be. Who I would eventually let myself be. The person who poses for pictures with a funny face and hops around and dances in the store. That's who I wanted to be when I was 17, but it just wouldn't come out. I wish I could tell the teenager that life never goes how you think it's going to, even when you have quite the plan. And "go with the flow" involves way more than being easy going. 
And to laugh more. Forgive more. Let stuff roll off your back more. 

It's weird.
     ----->I feel like I could start most of my stories/thoughts/ideas with that small sentence.

Today I got all of my George Mason [the college I will be attending here shortly] stuff worked out, for the most part and yet...
I'm here wondering if I'm making the right decision. I want to be so many things and all of them fit me.
    Life is just Too Short

Currently my plans are to be a counselor. Have a little counseling office with a waiting room and a quirky hippie receptionist and a...
tattoo parlor attached.
       ------> uh duh. Isn't that what you were expecting? Yeah? Good. You know me.

And that plan will work. I believe in it. It fits. But today I'm sitting on the couch somewhat wishing I was going to school to become a midwife. Becoming a midwife has been something I've really enjoyed the idea of for a long time, and it would also fit for my life. And "who knows" I've thought to myself, "maybe I'll do it when I'm older, once I have kids and have actually gone through child birth."

Moral of the story is: if I could sign up for more than one life, I would in an instant. Which is crazy stuff, because when I was in high school the idea of dying young seemed very fitting. Now, I want to grow old, have rocking chairs on the porch, my Jonathan next to me, and get facial tattoos in my old age. [Clearly I'm going to be the most rocking grandmother, not counting MY mother] I love that my life has become wonderful and I have so much hope. I love getting to share that. Also I love that I have now parallel parked twice successfully. [That random sentence was so I could show this:]

---watch from 1:37 to 1:58---
Yup. Pretty much the funniest thing I've seen all day.

when you're there.

A concept I know, but have not learned.
An idea that I like but have not mastered.

This week I am in Texas [instead of Virginia] and I have that concept in the back of my mind all the time. Normally I would be trying to force my friendships in VA, texting and facebooking trying to keep up with the people I cannot physically keep up with, and thus missing out on all the Texans I am actually with. Not this time however. This time I fight the balance of staying in touch with my boyfriend, and everything else goes toward my friends/family HERE. And it really is quite the balancing act, especially as I always hate it when I'm hanging out with people and phones are constantly being texted on: somehow I end up in that category quite a bit.
------>This technology generation scares me sometimes. I want my children to be able to skype with their grandparents, but I want them to run around more than text. I want them to not think that their parents always hold their phone instead of the other's hand. This is important to me.

So I am here knowing, living, breathing that the phone cannot take the place of my boyfriend's arms yet somehow still clinging to it, because that is the little bit of him I have here. At the same time I am here with my friends and I want them to see my eyes looking and smiling at them MUCH more than I look and smile at my phone. I am determined. So I go and catch quick conversations with him when I can, and I've learned that if I wait for the opportunity it will not arise, so I have to make the time and know that it is for the good of my trip if I get to talk with him (actually TALK with him) once a day.

+++++++As a quick side note I am loving it here, I fit back in with these people effortlessly, and I love it. I cannot use the word love enough because I truly mean it. I am hanging out with Christians that will love me no matter what and I feel the need to point that out because it is so easy (and happens so often) to hear about Christians who do NOT show unconditional love, but they are out there and they are awesome, let me tell you! And my friends here have surrounded themselves in a church that does seem to be unconditional, which is great.

And that is the end of this post. It was a quick update on balance and what I spend time thinking about here, while I am in the lovely state of EVERTHING'S BIGGER IN TEXAS Y'ALL.

It's been almost a month since I last blogged, and that scares me a bit. I'm not losing myself in this new relationship, but I definitely notice that I don't do all of the things that I used to do like hang out as much, blog & read.
It's weird.
I also do a lot of things that I didn't use to do, like lounge around and just enjoy someone's pressense, watch random movies that I don't choose & interact with rednecks [hahahaha][it's true though].

Out in the middle of nowhere I’ve found myself really thinking about some things, mainly what I think is true, and what I know is true. I’ve found that I think a lot of things are true, but I do not know a lot of things are true. Superficial things aren’t especially counted, such as I know that the sky is blue [and beautiful and inspires amazing introspection and looks amazing all the time, night or day]. So this is going to be a series, of what I know is true. And maybe sometimes there will be a ‘what I think is true’ or even a ‘what I hope is true’. 

Let us begin.

What I know is true:
God rescued me.

I don't know how to be in an actual legitimate romantic relationship. Not hiding, out in the open, hold your hand in public type of thing.
I've already gone about it in ways that people have said are wrong, but that's how I go about most things. I don't mean to make my own path, but I do. 

We've seen each other cry. We've met and enjoy each other's families. We call each other names when we play Call of Duty. We hold hands while he drives. We connect over the good things and our mutual love for Kool-Aid. Both of us think purple skittles are of the devil [because they ARE]. 
I'm the first "Christian" he's met that doesn't judge him. He's the first guy I've met that would move mountains for me. We both love loyalty and freely give it to the other. 


I do miss seeing my friends, so if I haven't seen you in a while, we should hang out! Don't think that just because there's a guy in my life that the place in my heart just for you has been filled. If you do think that...
put down the crack.

Side note: Praying is as always Good, with a capital G. Just like Grace. It's a beautiful thing.