When I have emotions that need to come out but can’t, things like this happen:

I’ve been told males are visual creatures
So we’re encouraged to wear tight clothes or “clothes that show our curves”
But I don’t like my body and I’ll be damned if I give in to your pressure.
Again.

See I’d love to know where that was going, because it clearly isn’t finished. I’d love to watch my fingers write out more of my feelings, see my heart speak through the ink. Writing has become a way for me to hear from myself.

Let me explain.

I’ve become more and more aware of things I can’t say lately. Because lets face it, when people ask how you are they’re not asking what your heart is dealing with that morning. Or what things in your past followed you to work. People see your backpack and think that’s the only weight that you’re carrying, but we all know that everyone is carrying more. And that everyday it’s a fight to give it up [for some of us that is.] With losing the freedom bit by bit to say what’s on my heart, my inner voice has become quieter. It comes out in writing though, and because of that:

I’ve started thinking that maybe if I could keep writing I’d finally come to understand why I stay awake at night feeling like I’m missing something. Whatever it is it’s locked inside me with bars created by my own fear, because maybe whatever is in there and I suspect it’s the real me, is a pretty scary thing. The real me is scary in her absolute realness, her pure love, and her lack of fear.

 

 
 
Picture
This weekend I heard a lot about relationships, the good the bad and the ugly. It's been a while since I or any of my friends have gone through a break-up, so hearing about it definitely brought up some feelings/thoughts.


When we first broke up, I remember feeling like I was literally going to throw up from the pain. I remember leaning over a pier, just waiting for it to come up [thankfully it never did, I despise throwing up with a passion]. For a long time I couldn't even admit to myself that there had been good times along with the bad, but I've definitely gotten over that. When things were good, man were they good! Remembering the good times reminded me of a poem/free writing thing I did at one of the happiest times of our relationship and sense I've been meaning to share some of the things I've written, here you go! 


(oh and please know, looking back I have no idea why I chose to use 'thee's, I've never been particularly adept at using them.)


Why do I not speak of thee?
Is it because my heart longs to keep you only for myself?
Or is it true that I am ashamed of my love
Which is at times shared between us
Me and thee, where my love turns to our love
And we seem as one.
Do I long to keep this secret beating of my heart locked away
For is it only to be something shared in secret whispers under the moon?
Even though these feelings have proven to be troublesome,
I could no more wish them gone then the air which blesses my lungs.
And although because of them my heart may betray me on the morrow,
I would rather cherish this moment now then liken my heart to that of a stone
A cold and lifeless boulder that beats for no one
Which would sink to the bottom of a lake at a moments notice
No I say, not when everything inside me cries to soar among the clouds
Joy being the strength in my wings
You, my love, as the sun in my eyes

 

Peace.

04/25/2010

1 Comment

 
Lord there are some days where I'm very aware of how big You are. And how very small I am.
Today was one of those days.


It's pretty crazy how when you become super sensitive to a .subject.topic.event. you can actually step back and see the things you normally wouldn't, even if you did take the time to look at it from every angle. At the end of the day, we just don't see things how they really are most of the time. We let things get in the way of our vision.


drama. worries. longings. memories. what-ifs. doubt. pride. ignorance. 


Sometimes it takes going to a different place to make all those things fade away. And even then you might not see things how they really are, but when you do finally have peace in your mind you realize [or at least i do] that it's completely ok to not see things how they are. Sometimes I don't want to see all the ways something could go wrong. Today I came to realize that I want to see.............what God wants me to see. for my future, both tomorrow, in June, in September, for college, for life after college [and on and on and on]. 


I could ask God to point out all the stuff I should look out for, show me all the things I could potentially worry over.
or.
I could know that God has my back. my decisions are His, because my life is His. 
And the view from here?
Looks pretty darn good.