I want to be like Lane.
It's not often that I say things like that.
Normally I'd like someone's wisdom or self-control.
But right now, I'd like to be like Lane.
She is at peace with who she is.
Sue knows she is loved and she finds contentment in that.
She doesn't need to be in on every conversation that she walks into.
She accepts people readily and doesn't feel left out.

(of course this is all speculation. and who knows, maybe Lane is just an emotional ninja and so I have no idea about any of this. but still.)

Tonight all I know is that I:

--smell like fire. Because we just had a bonfire where there was good Belgian beer, fun conversation and a rousing game of Big Booty.

---am tired of feeling left out. And only I can make myself feel left out, no one else has that control over me.

----and lastly but most definitely not leastly, the God of the universe wants to be my best friend. He wants our souls to mingle together and for me to know Him intimately. How fan I feel alone when the God of the Awesome Ocean both lives inside me and has the trees whisper His name as I pass? This God who has picked up my life and made me fall in love with Him; walks with me and holds my hand. When all I hear is French all He wants me to hear is Him whispering to my soul
      "I love you and you are lovely. You will never be left out when it comes to Me."
 
 
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but family well enough!
I feel like I will never have family like the Christensen's do. They have siblings and jokes and I wonder if I will ever have it. As Dave says, I will when I get married.
If I get married.
When will God be enough?
I hope someday soon.
 

Truth

07/17/2011

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Sometimes my life gets so mixed up and confusion is flying everywhere that I just lay back and focus on the things that are True. For instance, this was a secret on PostSecret today, and even though I didn't send it in, it is such a huge truth for me that I teared up when I saw it: 
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Some other truths that have been in my life lately:
-I sleep with the door cracked here, because if not I get scared at night. Turns out the only thing that kept me from ever being scared was sleeping on the top bunk in Lane's room and knowing she was right underneath me)

-Laying (or lying?) on my side is incredibly comforting for me, but I can never fall asleep like that.

-I always want to 'hug it out' but I never do.  (ie after fighting/disagreeing with someone, the next time I see them I always want to hug them. Or at least when it comes to close friends anyways.)

-I want to dance spontaneously with my husband. When there's music playing on the street or during a movie, I want to waltz or...something.

-I'm still in mourning over my best friend. I still haven't gotten to truly talk to anyone about it. I've come to truly believe the Swedish proverb: Shared joy is double joy, shared sorrow is half a sorrow.
---->Turns out the only person I would normally turn to in this would be her. So now I listen to 'Virginia Bluebell' by Miranda Lambert and 'Far Away' by Carol King (&James Taylor on guitar) and I let my heart cry.

-My current songs playing a lot on my youtube/in my head:
3 am (acoustic) by Matchbox 20
and
Nothing Fancy by Dave Barnes (I completely apply this song to how I feel about God, and I'm just in love with it)
 
 
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I just finished (for at least the third time) 'When Harry Met Sally' and all throughout it I'm thinking about love and how it's beautiful sure, but how...it's just love. I know that sounds horrible! I love love, I do! But these two people go in and out of it, until finally finding their soulmate at the end of the movie, and they had been there whole time! 

I know this is random. Truly, I do. It's just...it can wait. And please understand that this is a blog post specifically pertaining to my life. I'm not saying that love isn't the focus of everything or that dating is wrong or some weird random misinterpretation that you could get from this. This is for me, and what I've been thinking about lately. For so long I was so "in love" (but not really. but ish) that now I'm ready to not. I've finally started seeing that what I was holding onto was me refusing God's will, refusing to be faithful. I found what I thought I wanted and didn't trust Him enough to let go. 
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Things are better! And there is happiness again. Love love love. 
 

Belgium!

07/11/2011

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Well, this is my first update from Europe. More specifically, as you may have guessed, from Belgium! I'm currently in Waterloo, in the top most portion of my friend's house, where I'm staying with him and his siblings and his parents for a few weeks. It's truly great. But honestly, this is a sharing my heart post and not a gushing about being in Europe post. That will come later.

I just left a house [ie San Antonio] where I was constantly with Cristen, a very close friend of mine, who really interacted with me. We talked, we shared, and while I was there I ended a friendship that was bad for both of us. Now I'm here, and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I've had deep conversations, but I feel weird sitting down and telling someone:

(pertaining to the friendship lost)
I miss her. I miss her so bad it hurts. And I feel like she was my closest friend and when I go back I don't have anyone like that. It scares me. I feel hurt and unwanted because she didn't even care why I felt like we shouldn't be friends anymore. And even though I have enough self esteem to not let that consume me, it cut so deep I think it touched a a back muscle.


I just wish someone would listen. I know they will if I give them the chance, but for some reason it's like I'm holding this wound tight to my body and not letting anyone see. Like when you have a scrape or a cut and you know whoever you show will encourage you to put alcohol on it or say that it's barely a scratch; I'm scared. I wish I could sit down and pour everything out, but the only person who knows me well enough just...well, that's not happening.

Quite honestly friends, I'd feel bad bringing it up to him (the friend I'm staying with). I've gotten it into my heart that it's selfish of me to sit down and just share, because I know he won't share back. Other stuff he will. But some stuff he won't. I want to be "easy going" with him, because in the past I feel as though I've been needy. (Which is true)

And all I keep thinking is that I miss having friends.
And it makes me want to cry.
Secret: it has made me cry.