Goodbye my love,
You always had my heart and maybe
               That’s why we can’t go on anymore.
Maybe it’s because
               You never loved me like I loved you.
Friend or more
               Mainly I was less.
 
 
God gives you opportunities to show patience. And thusly you learn how to be patient. 
-----> It's a dangerous thing to pray. 
My friend and I were talking about that two nights ago, and I shared with him that sometimes I don't pray things like that simply because you are guaranteed to learn the lesson the hard way pretty quickly. Then I went to bed, easy peasy.

Then yesterday, BAM. Looks like God saw fit to show me that I don't need to pray that prayer for Him to show me how to be patient. 

It's not often I end up sincerely apologizing for something that I am not in the wrong for, but I did yesterday. I apologized to someone for hurting them, even though they were just annoyed, and the entire time I thought about how sharing your heart can be a dangerous thing. Maybe that's why I haven't shared a lot while I've been here. Maybe we're given radar in our hearts to warn us of when some people aren't ready to hear it. And if that's true, then my radar has been beeping a lot lately. It's sad, but that's part of what comes from guarding your heart. And from knowing that some people aren't ready to hear certain things. 

So yesterday I learned patience. And compassion. Because when your friend is hurt, even when you feel as though they have no right to be, they're still your friend and your heart is connected with theirs.
 
 
I just was listening to one of my friends share his heart and caught myself feeling so incredibly lost. Normally when it comes to people sharing, I love it. You can't tell on my face (I don't think), but I'm praying for a lot of it. I don't want to speak if God doesn't want me to, or be silent and not let Him speak through me. I don't worry about it, but I'm very aware that people only share with me because God is here influencing our lives. 

But tonight I was lost. 
I've been walking a long this path with God for long that sometime along the way I stopped growing and started walking on my own. Which is something that happens to older Christ followers, because you get used to walking the walk that you stop relying on God and most of the time, you don't realize that you're no longer holding His hand until something world changing happens and you reach out for Him and He's not there.
 
 
When my life ends isn't my decision, but what happens before is [for the most part]. I spent a long time feeling sadness deep in my gut whenever I heard these lyrics:

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?
(Somewhere Over The Rainbow by Judy Garland)


Because I truly felt that was true, there was a place where my dreams would start. Sure, I wouldn't admit that even to myself, but it was true. No, this isn't a post about 'making every day count' and how I'm about to go out and run a mile then find an orphan and help him get a home. This is more about my heart (and maybe yours?). My dream is right now, loving the people around me and starting to truly love God more and more. God is slowly becoming more and more personal to me, as I reach out my hand to take His in this love story He calls life, I find that He's waiting to take my hand. So today is my dream. And if I die tomorrow, know that I die joyful. 
 
 
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I have dreams. And although outlining what they are and the plans that I have in place to bring them about would not normally be what I would blog about, I feel as though I need to write them down so those around me can truly understand them.

On Sunday the pastor shared an African proverb with us: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. 
I completely agree with that statement, and believe that we should gather people around us so we can invest in each other and go along for the crazy ride that are our lives. We should join together and support each other and just...help each other go far (go far in significance, not success). I've come to realize that I can't get upset with my friends/family for not supporting me (or as is often the case, trying to convince me to against my dreams) if they don't know the plan. Although a few of them know my heart and my passions, trust me and God in that, and have supported me no matter what. And to them, I say
Thank you!! (Epic monday peeps, nicole, and veronica, you're truly awesome)
 
 
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I go back and forth with liking the guy I've liked [back and forth] since the beginning of our friendship almost 2 years ago. And sometimes, like just now, I catch myself wishing he would just break my heart. He would just unleash all the things he does not like about me. I hear myself wispering in my mind "break my heart, just break it" because it would be easier that way. But it would destroy our friendship and my heart, and it would hurt his heart to say all those things. 

Oh the things that we'll put ourselves through to make it "easier".

I was sitting here thinking about that, and as so often happens my mind associated a song lyric with it:
"break my heart for what breaks Yours" 
and instantly I was humbled. Getting so consumed in myself that even though I invited God into it all, I wasn't letting my eyes go to Him. To what breaks HIS heart. At the end of the day, I have a great friendship with this guy, and am blessed to have this heartache, because at least the guy I like is good. I hate liking someone who is just all wrong [ie smokes pot and just wants a 'casual' relationship, like guys I have liked in the past]. 
-----> Instead of praying about wishing the guy would change and NOT be a jerk, I get to thank God for making a man after His own heart.

 
 
Most teenage girls I know are convinced they aren't cute.
That hurts my heart incredibly = understatement. 

I know what it's like to look into the mirror and not like what you see, and you can tell them that they're perfect how they are, or that they should just go for a run (which is not normally what they need, but I hear that running is "good for you", but whatever), but at the end of the day it's their hearts that are hurting. And when I hear that these always awesome teenagers don't like how they look, but more than that, are sad because of themselves, it just tears me up. I feel for them. They're also just plain wrong, which makes it even worse. 

They're always beautiful, these girls who can't seem to see it.
Inside and out.

So this is for the teenage girls, no matter if you're team edward, team jacob, or team potter. I bet you're awesome, and you don't even know it. 

Literally awesome
I just can't stress that enough.
 
 
this summer I'm going to be traveling quite a bit. Currently I'm spending a month and a week in the glorious state of Texas, a place I fell in love with two years ago when I spent the summer after graduation here. I drove [yes, by myself] from VA to Joplin, MO, to volunteer there while I was passing through. Then on to San Antonio! The pictures have captions, and clicking on them makes them bigger [as always]. Also, I'm making random vlogs, they range from oddly short to obnoxiously long, so I'm going to have a new page [found on the top of this website] just devoted to travel stuff. so there you go!
 
 
Sometimes I want to comment on a guy's picture on facebook:
haaaaaaaaaaaaaay ;)

Cause that's my way of flirting.
I'm aware I'm a weirdo. 
One day I hope to find another weirdo that would get the humor/flirtiness of my facebook comments. 
Here's to dreaming! 
 
 
Tonight I was driving home and I looked up from adjusting the radio or getting slightly sidetracked by something, into the face of a deer standing on the side of the road, who was clearly wondering if she should cross. I'm looking at this young little doe and instantly my heart just goes out to her and hear myself plead out loud, "No baby, don't do that!"

Picture
And then it hit me, this thing is so graceful and beautiful and the Bible tells us that God loves us, that God finds us beautiful, that we are His.

          *The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
 
 I wonder if He feels the same way as  I did when He sees us about to enter into a dangerous relationship, whether it be friendship or a romantic relationship, a relationship where we could get hurt. Our hearts could be injured but we don't even see it as that, we aren't even aware of the road we're about to try and cross, the danger we're about to put ourselves in. Does His heart jump into His chest, hoping that He won't see a creature destroyed by oncoming traffic, that instead it will turn around away from the danger. Does He hope this with all of His heart?

I wonder if that's how He sees us, a creature standing on the side of the road, easily hurt because it just doesn't understand what cars are or how they work. It doesn't deserve to get hit, but it will get hit whether it deserves it or not if it tries to cross the street when someone isn't paying attention, when someone driving isn't looking out for that deer. 
------------> It is how He sees us. He loves us, plain and simple.
That's how other people are to us, they hurt us so easily even when they don't mean to. Of course, everybody knows that it's the people who are closest to us that hurt us the most. I definitely get that; I had a guy friend who was like a brother (I have a few guy friends who are like that to me) and I feel like he's not my brother anymore; like I don't even know him. Not because he's changed, but I feel like I'm seeing him for the first time: I saw him as a brother, but he didn't see me as a sister. I feel worthless when it comes to him and that has finally mannifested itself as anger even though it's really jsut all this hurt, but it just hurts so much that I can't deal with it. I can't call him my brother anymore, I can't keep trying to spend quality time with him to the point that it just doesn't work that way anymore. I am tired of getting hit by cars. 

----------> This is me being human. I'm torn with this post, because I love having such a moment with God where I feel like I understand Him just a little bit more, I could for that second see from His point of view just a little. I'm also tempted to cut it off and not talk about my current relationship problems. However, I always feel the need to be REAL. Which means that I also want to say that I know God also says: 
     **Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Which means that...I need to reconcile. Which I can't right now, because I'm too hurt, I'm too human. I don't see this friendship being fixed after his actions say so clearly that he doesn't want to actively be friend. Which doesn't change the fact that I need to have brotherly love towards him. Color me frustrated.

There are tons of verses about God loving us and brotherly love, but the two I quoted are:
*Jeremiah 31:3
**Romans 12:10