Well my people, after a few years on this blog & many changes, I've decided to add one more change:
A completely new blog on a different hosting website. Mainly because Weebly keeps on freezing up (in fact, it took me 2 days to be able to get this one page to load). My new blog is:

http://erin-everchanging.blogspot.com/

I definitely hope to see you over there! 
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Bye for now!
 
 
I have found that fear goes hand in hand with strength.
Or maybe not “hand in hand”...
Maybe fear is just strength's stalker.
And I've also found that the bigger the amount of strength shown or required, the bigger the fear.

I've made difficult decisions before, and you know what? I could blow off the fear most of the time. Maybe a few insecurities popped up here and there, but you deal with them, dance around your room and you're back.

But this big decision that I've made?
The fear that goes along with it, is amazing.
It's the sort of fear that makes you weep when it hits you. You cry because you're scared that you might not get what you're shooting so high for. You cry because you might have made the wrong decision.
You cry because it hurts.
Because don't all big decisions hurt a little?
Isn't that what makes them big?

 
 
I love that now I don't have to make compromises (you'll see what I mean)
I had decided long ago that I wouldn't live with my guy/boyfriend/husband before we got married.
No, I'm not saying I wouldn't sleep with him. I mean that I wouldn't move in with him.
But I had given that up with Jonathan.
Well not anymore people! That dream is BACK!

I love that I'm doing a 12 page paper and my motivation to finish each page is that once one page is done (single spaced) that I can then go and sew for a little bit. It excited me that I'm so involved in my creativity now-much more than I used to be.

You know what else? I love that on Saturday my best friend comes back from Africa! I can't wait to hear all about her adventures, and the baby elephants and giraffes that she got to see. It's been extremely difficult going through this break up without her (and for the first few days without my mom), and I'm glad that's about to end!

And! I'm giving a presentation on Wednesday (which is also the day that my paper is due) in my class, which is literally called Death, Dying, and Grieving. And I for once am presenting about the loss of my brother (my mother had a miscarriage), and I'm actually looking forward to sharing with the class. I'm sharing pictures, and really I'm just sharing my heart along with some facts.

I love that this week I'm going from replacing one meal with a protein shake to two meals. I'm excitedish because...for once I'm taking control of my weight in a non-destructive way. It's about flippin time I stopped hating the way I look. And honestly...I don't!
Cause have you seen me lately?
Oh honey, yes.

(hehehehehe)

 
 
It's been a week and a few days now.
Since I went from having a boyfriend to HAD a boyfriend.

I can't even call him my ex. I've had one of those before, and I only liked using the word “ex” because it meant that we had something significant, something that was ENOUGH to use such a mainstream word such as “ex”. And having it be real, that was the opposite of what they wanted. They wanted to wish it all away.
But I can't call him my ex now. Or yesterday. 
And probably not tomorrow.
Because “ex” is too much like “X” and that's too much like my old math tests where my answers were marked out with a big fat X and I would leave the room feeling...well like how I normally felt in a math class. Stupid. Resentful. That I never saw my mistakes coming and only understood them AFTER the test.

Him being my ex is also too much like “X marks the spot”, because in this case it clearly lies across my chest. Because my heart is broken. But when we were together it lay comfortably across my future, because I could not have both him and the future I wanted, not to the fullness that my heart is willing to fight for.

And the days have become easier, did I mention that?
Well, they have.
I still don't like leaving my house.
And my phone is horribly painful for me to be around.
Because his name never pops up anymore, like it did constantly...before.
Before when he was mine.
And please excuse me for being horribly emotional, but I'm allowed to be, so whatever.
Tonight I feel not good enough.
Tomorrow I will be glad that my life is moving on.
But tonight, I hate that the alcohol, and the drugs, and the bum life was more important than me.

That when I came to get my stuff he decided to go help his friend out with something and then had no way to make it back.
A mile down the road to his house.
When he knew that I had driven 2 hours to see him. And to get my stuff.
In the end he asked me to just come down the road and see him.
And I didn't. Because I had spent so much of our relationship choosing him over me.
And he spent so much of our relationship choosing himself over me.
That for once, someone had to choose me, because I was worth it. And who better than to make that choice, than me?

So I didn't go.
And of course he got pissed.
But I had my say for once, and that was great.
And I chose myself, and that felt great.
And I've finally stopped crying myself to sleep at night, and that feels super great.

It's been two weeks since I saw him last. Hugged him last. Did everything last.
One week since we broke up.
I'm looking forward to when I can't count how long it's been.




 
 
One thing that I've learned from this break up is that I need to have standards. I need to know what I want from a man so I won't be disappointed when half a year in he isn't living up to my unspoken standards and needs. Also, I am very child oriented. I want them, and I've wanted to be a mom since I was 5. So even though I'm only 22, I don't want to date a guy who refers to kids as a "maybe" or as a "we'll deal with that sometime down the road". So without further ado, here is my list:
  1. Not an alcoholic nor drunk.
  2. No drugs. I don't care if you think marijuana isn't a drug because it's grown from the ground, if you need to get high to be around me then I don't want to kiss you. So there. (haha)
  3. No homophobic men. If you can't accept and love others, then you won't work well here. 

I want:
-A house full of kids & a husband who wants them too
-A husband who will teach our son(s) to be a man, how to cry when it's needed, to help others even when it's inconvenient, and to accept everyone just the way they are – gay, straight, dog person or cat person
-A man who shares my affinity for reading, or at the very least wants to help inspire our children to love books
-A man who cherishes and goes out of his way for me.
-A man who can talk deeply and enjoys simply walking and talking with me.
-A man who looks at responsibility as a way to show love and caring, and not just as a hassle or chore.
-Someone who can join with me in my dream of showing my children all the different kinds of beauty in the world, and teaching them that they can contribute to it just by living beautiful loving lives.
-A man who thinks love is more important than money.
-A man who is willing to fight for our future, and for me.
-A man who has his own passions & goals and knows how to fight for them.

I need a man who doesn't just want to join in my life and my dreams, but instead join our two lives and passions together and fly side by side.

  ----> And please realize that this is not a teenager sort of "oh, he has to be at least 6 inches taller than me and play the guitar" sort of list. I've been there, and I've done that, and I've learned that love comes in all shapes and sizes. And I've also learned that if you don't know what you want that one day you'll realize that you have what you don't want, and that will only end in heartbreak. The list that you just read is not my way of being picky, it is a way of protecting my heart and knowing myself better. Also...heck, I'll say it, I just don't want to have to lose someone that I've fallen in love with again just because he can't be who I need. I know that love means compromises, and trust me, I've made a TON, and I'm willing to make them the next time I'm in a relationship.