I feel like I haven't actually blogged in FORever.
So I should really catch you up on my life.
But I'm not going to.
Instead:
I've been thinking about Ruth and Naomi lately. Mainly Ruth [a gal in the Bible] who told Naomi [the mother of Ruth's late husband]:
Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.
Ruth shows such devotion to a woman she is no longer tied to! In fact, Naomi is urging her to go back to her family before Ruth pours her heart out to her. I've been wondering if I will ever feel such devotion to another person, or even have such devotion in my heart.
That's the true wonderings here, not so much the person to whom this passion is placed upon, but the passion itself.
The part that hits home to me so forcefully is "and your God my God". My God has always been my God. He is amazing and wonderful and the maker of the universe. We go hand in hand and I will follow Him anywhere because with Him I have dreams and love and such an amazing connection. Us two walking together has always been the picture in my head and it has helped to bring my heart peace when people come and go, because that is how a journey works.
At times there are travelers who walk by your side but only for a time, because no one will be by your side for the entire thing, it just isn't possible. Everyone has their own path to walk. So when friends go away to college or get really busy with work, or even more half way across the country, I know that even though we don't remain on the same path I will always have the memories we had while we walked together.
So the idea of joining together with someone till death and maybe not even then?
Giving up my idea of God to join hands and accept their idea of God? Where they die I die!?!
My point: I have this idea of God, this picture in my mind. And it's changing the more people I meet, and in some places it gets stronger and in some places I have more questions. Passionate devotion and trust like Ruth had for Naomi are new concepts to me, and I absolutely love that. In new things I grow, and I am loving my roots branching out!
a vlog mentioning: time at the beach painting my room Jonathan Broadway Bacon Fest San Antonio people other...stuff? Also: Jonathan is 26 [I'm mentioning it because...people ask. And I forgot to say that] so yes! There you go, inquiring minds. New Music Stuff [click on the name for the youtube video!] Cellophane by Sara Jackson-Homan I Wish I Was the Moon by Neko Case Warwick Avenue by Duffy
When I start to doubt that you really like me
I remember the way you held my hands and kissed me at my car
When I start to wonder if this is all a big mistake
I remember laughing with you
When I start to fear that you'll find someone else
I remember when you said that you've never met anyone like me
And when I start to worry what people will say
I remember how amazingly calm you make me feel.
We have something that's growing and developing and I love that you wanted me to meet your parents and that you keep me warm. I love that there is no pressure. I love that I like you and you like me.
I love that that's all there needs to be.
Word.
[hhahahaha]
"Sometimes things are not as we'd like them. That does not mean that they go away, instead our expectations must change."
I have no idea who said that [Google doesn't even know, GASP!]
but it's how I'm living my life. I've spent too long not liking my situation and not changing my expectations. And by "situation", I mean guys.
My love life.
My lack of love life.
However you'd put it.
True life: I haven't been blogging because I've only wanted to write about one thing. Or really, one person. But I knew I'd get crap. And it's not that I don't respect your opinion, but it's my life. If you don't like my choices, well that's fine and dandy but it doesn't change anything.
I'm done waiting for Mr. Right [or whatever you'd like to call him]
Instead I found a guy who I like and who likes me.
Nope, he doesn't fit the guy I was originally looking for.
Nope, most of you won't approve.
But you love me, and so you'll respect my choice, yeah?
Yeah.
Fun fact! In French, "yeah" is: ouis. It sounds like "way" and is awesome!
I think memories are weird.
I'm known for remembering names and random facts about people that I've heard of, and while I love that [even though it's odd] I still have problems remembering easy things. And where's the weird part?
I think in photos and feelings.
When I think of Veronica the first thing I think of is a freeze frame of her in Silver Diner, because that's the last place I saw her. However when I think of Marissa I have this rush of emotion, a hazy snapshot of a coffee place we frequent combined with the feeling of running through a field.
All of my friends are like that in my mind, either a picture or a rush of feelings, never more or less.
No voices.
No film clip.
Nothing the way I think a normal memory should be.
But then whose to say what's normal?
I'm going to go on a quest to see how other people remember things.
Here are some things that I remember when I think of certain people:
-so many pictures of you rush by it discombobulates me a bit
-curly hair and sunshine
-your lovely innocent smile, I couldn't draw you but I could write you a poem
-rocking chairs and a back I would've kissed
-cocaine and the smell of alcohol
-joy, flowing skirts and summer air
-a girl who never recognizes her reflection
-a picture with blue walls behind you and a laugh coming from your mouth
-an feeling of peace
Have fun guessing who these are my friends :) Feel free to ask!
Today I will clean my room: I will wear fun makeup: I will think about him a lot: I will miss thinking about Him: And so I will listen to him: And try to get back to being confident, assured, and at peace: And even though this post was short and probably pointless to most of you, it's helping me get over the writers block that I have concerning my blog.
A lot of things are changing in my life. You all know this. And if you know me, you know that I like to add things on to that. Such as what I recently did, which was to end a friendship that was co-dependent and not good for anyone involved [in July] and then to put a friendship on hold until Christmas [a few weeks ago], and most likely that friendship will stay on hold for a very long time. If I'm already hurting, I like to add stuff on. I think it makes sense!
I feel like if your fingers on one hand are broken, you wouldn't ever just put 2 of them in a cast. You might as well put the whole hand in.
So I'm trying to learn good habits, how much TV not to watch, and when to paint and when to read. And me being me, I'm adding in working out to that. For a very long time my "working out" has been to just not eat for a few days, finally give in, and continue to feel bad about myself while drowning in Mountain Dew. the truth is, I want to look like this:
Lately I've been letting a lot of lies into my heart. Believing most of them. I've been drowning in my own sorrow because it was comfortable. Really, it's growing that hurts. So now begins the process of me owning my heart. Heart broken because I love someone who will never love me in return. [Yup, that's going to be a theme on this blog because it's taken me a few years to own it in my own head/heart] To give my heart to God so He can rewrite His truth on it. Truth that I am HIS first, no one else's second. Truth that HIS love is the most important, and wow oh WOW does HE love me. I'm giving God my fear, and it is a great fear, because when you fall for one of your best friends, often that friendship can't continue, because it'll rip you apart. And I love his friendship. I don't want it to go. But I can only save it by truly giving it to God. This girl wrote a book about the lies we face, and she wrote God's truth next to it. Here's some of the pictures from the book, ones that are especially prevalent to me right now. If you want to learn more, look up The Truth Project on facebook! [As always, click on the pictures to make them bigger]
I try and surround myself with art. Art that inspires me, art that I can float in it's beauty. And although this may seem lame, the app Instagram seriously helps with that. So I screen capture the epicly good pictures that people post, and now, I'm going to share them with you lovely people! [as always, click on the pictures to make them bigger]
Also, if you have instagram, you should totally follow these people, because they tend to create/take pictures of great stuff!
--->Scattered thoughts of a frustrated heart.
My friend doesn't want to go to the coffee shop we frequent anymore, but how can I tell her that driving to her house costs way too much gas?I know this is random, and probably sounds whiny, but this is me being real.
I'm choosing not to work until January. No school, no 'real' work (ie random jobs, sure. Nanny? No thanks. Not unless it's for your dogs) and I like that. I do. Of course the hard part is not having any money. All of a sudden you want this book, or a sweater, and you realize you don't have the money for it. Or even worse, you pay for gas and you realize you are now making negative money.
I'm hoping to sell my art.
It's hard when you can't buy art supplies.
So you make do.
I realize there are people much worse off, mainly because I'm not even 'worse off', I'm just broke. I know if I asked my mom if I could buy something, she'd give me the money. But still I have this ever present tightness around my heart, this stress that makes my eyebrows feel tight on my forehead.
I watch my dad go to work.
He hates it.
But he gets to buy what he wants.
It makes me upset that he gets to buy whatever he wants [multiple guitars], but I know I need to grow up and not let it get to me.
I know I'm acting like a jealous little kid.
I'm poor by my own doing.
I wouldn't trade him for his unhappiness.
I want to grow in this time that God has given me to grow.
But I want a lot of things these days.
It's so weird this fight that I'm in for peace.
You wouldn't think you'd need to fight for peace, you know?
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