Opposite of Speechless

Well my people, after a few years on this blog & many changes, I've decided to add one more change:
A completely new blog on a different hosting website. Mainly because Weebly keeps on freezing up (in fact, it took me 2 days to be able to get this one page to load). My new blog is:

http://erin-everchanging.blogspot.com/

I definitely hope to see you over there! 

I have found that fear goes hand in hand with strength.
Or maybe not “hand in hand”...
Maybe fear is just strength's stalker.
And I've also found that the bigger the amount of strength shown or required, the bigger the fear.

I've made difficult decisions before, and you know what? I could blow off the fear most of the time. Maybe a few insecurities popped up here and there, but you deal with them, dance around your room and you're back.

But this big decision that I've made?
The fear that goes along with it, is amazing.
It's the sort of fear that makes you weep when it hits you. You cry because you're scared that you might not get what you're shooting so high for. You cry because you might have made the wrong decision.
You cry because it hurts.
Because don't all big decisions hurt a little?
Isn't that what makes them big?

I love that now I don't have to make compromises (you'll see what I mean)
I had decided long ago that I wouldn't live with my guy/boyfriend/husband before we got married.
No, I'm not saying I wouldn't sleep with him. I mean that I wouldn't move in with him.
But I had given that up with Jonathan.
Well not anymore people! That dream is BACK!

I love that I'm doing a 12 page paper and my motivation to finish each page is that once one page is done (single spaced) that I can then go and sew for a little bit. It excited me that I'm so involved in my creativity now-much more than I used to be.

You know what else? I love that on Saturday my best friend comes back from Africa! I can't wait to hear all about her adventures, and the baby elephants and giraffes that she got to see. It's been extremely difficult going through this break up without her (and for the first few days without my mom), and I'm glad that's about to end!

And! I'm giving a presentation on Wednesday (which is also the day that my paper is due) in my class, which is literally called Death, Dying, and Grieving. And I for once am presenting about the loss of my brother (my mother had a miscarriage), and I'm actually looking forward to sharing with the class. I'm sharing pictures, and really I'm just sharing my heart along with some facts.

I love that this week I'm going from replacing one meal with a protein shake to two meals. I'm excitedish because...for once I'm taking control of my weight in a non-destructive way. It's about flippin time I stopped hating the way I look. And honestly...I don't!
Cause have you seen me lately?
Oh honey, yes.

(hehehehehe)

It's been a week and a few days now.
Since I went from having a boyfriend to HAD a boyfriend.

I can't even call him my ex. I've had one of those before, and I only liked using the word “ex” because it meant that we had something significant, something that was ENOUGH to use such a mainstream word such as “ex”. And having it be real, that was the opposite of what they wanted. They wanted to wish it all away.
But I can't call him my ex now. Or yesterday. 
And probably not tomorrow.
Because “ex” is too much like “X” and that's too much like my old math tests where my answers were marked out with a big fat X and I would leave the room feeling...well like how I normally felt in a math class. Stupid. Resentful. That I never saw my mistakes coming and only understood them AFTER the test.

Him being my ex is also too much like “X marks the spot”, because in this case it clearly lies across my chest. Because my heart is broken. But when we were together it lay comfortably across my future, because I could not have both him and the future I wanted, not to the fullness that my heart is willing to fight for.

And the days have become easier, did I mention that?
Well, they have.
I still don't like leaving my house.
And my phone is horribly painful for me to be around.
Because his name never pops up anymore, like it did constantly...before.
Before when he was mine.
And please excuse me for being horribly emotional, but I'm allowed to be, so whatever.
Tonight I feel not good enough.
Tomorrow I will be glad that my life is moving on.
But tonight, I hate that the alcohol, and the drugs, and the bum life was more important than me.

That when I came to get my stuff he decided to go help his friend out with something and then had no way to make it back.
A mile down the road to his house.
When he knew that I had driven 2 hours to see him. And to get my stuff.
In the end he asked me to just come down the road and see him.
And I didn't. Because I had spent so much of our relationship choosing him over me.
And he spent so much of our relationship choosing himself over me.
That for once, someone had to choose me, because I was worth it. And who better than to make that choice, than me?

So I didn't go.
And of course he got pissed.
But I had my say for once, and that was great.
And I chose myself, and that felt great.
And I've finally stopped crying myself to sleep at night, and that feels super great.

It's been two weeks since I saw him last. Hugged him last. Did everything last.
One week since we broke up.
I'm looking forward to when I can't count how long it's been.

One thing that I've learned from this break up is that I need to have standards. I need to know what I want from a man so I won't be disappointed when half a year in he isn't living up to my unspoken standards and needs. Also, I am very child oriented. I want them, and I've wanted to be a mom since I was 5. So even though I'm only 22, I don't want to date a guy who refers to kids as a "maybe" or as a "we'll deal with that sometime down the road". So without further ado, here is my list:

1. Not an alcoholic nor drunk.
   
2. No drugs. I don't care if you think marijuana isn't a drug because it's grown from the ground, if you need to get high to be around me then I don't want to kiss you. So there. (haha)
   
3. No homophobic men. If you can't accept and love others, then you won't work well here. 

I want:
-A house full of kids & a husband who wants them too
-A husband who will teach our son(s) to be a man, how to cry when it's needed, to help others even when it's inconvenient, and to accept everyone just the way they are – gay, straight, dog person or cat person
-A man who shares my affinity for reading, or at the very least wants to help inspire our children to love books
-A man who cherishes and goes out of his way for me.
-A man who can talk deeply and enjoys simply walking and talking with me.
-A man who looks at responsibility as a way to show love and caring, and not just as a hassle or chore.
-Someone who can join with me in my dream of showing my children all the different kinds of beauty in the world, and teaching them that they can contribute to it just by living beautiful loving lives.
-A man who thinks love is more important than money.
-A man who is willing to fight for our future, and for me.
-A man who has his own passions & goals and knows how to fight for them.

I need a man who doesn't just want to join in my life and my dreams, but instead join our two lives and passions together and fly side by side.

  ----> And please realize that this is not a teenager sort of "oh, he has to be at least 6 inches taller than me and play the guitar" sort of list. I've been there, and I've done that, and I've learned that love comes in all shapes and sizes. And I've also learned that if you don't know what you want that one day you'll realize that you have what you don't want, and that will only end in heartbreak. The list that you just read is not my way of being picky, it is a way of protecting my heart and knowing myself better. Also...heck, I'll say it, I just don't want to have to lose someone that I've fallen in love with again just because he can't be who I need. I know that love means compromises, and trust me, I've made a TON, and I'm willing to make them the next time I'm in a relationship. 

Kelle, the author of one of my favorite blogs 'Enjoying the Small Things' encouraged her reader's today:
"Make a mini bucket list--just this week. What are you going to cross off your list? Celebrate with me this Friday. Print off your list, hang it somewhere you'll see it, and cross things off with bright markers."

1. Super try and own how you look, and love how you look, with or without make-up!
2. Pack up the things that you never wear, even if that means having to hide a ton of stuff around your room/under your bed/wherever you can fit it
3. Paint Jonathan a beautiful birdhouse that he can start saving his money in (pictures on this once it's done!)
4. Use watercolors out in nature, either on a front porch, or even on a rock while Jonathan fishes 5.
5. Talk to 2 different people in class for more than a few sentences. The teacher doesn't count for this one! Make sure to remember names. 
6. Wear fun earrings to school!
7. Try and wear contacts at least once, avoidance isn't the answer!


and because of number uno, I give you a picture I took recently, and quite enjoy even though I'm not wearing make-up!

No no, I mean literally SLEEPING with someone.
I'm not talking about sex you silly. 
I'm talking about waking up in the middle of the night, scared out of your mind because if you're like me and have crazy dreams, it's something you do a good bit, and being able to look next to you and find comfort in the person buried underneath a pile of blankets. How a relationship changes when you can go back to sleep curled into their back and invading their pillow space. You realize it's changed when you don't even think before you warm your freezing toes against their bare skin and they don't flinch away. It's about waking up glad to see them, knowing that you both look equally terrible. 

Those are some of the reasons why I'm glad I don't do the whole "random sex" thing. I love the actual love that goes into just simply sleeping with someone. There's no shame, and there's no overt sexiness.
But there is definitely something that speaks deep down to my very feminine heart when I can go to sleep with my awesome someone knowing on every level, that I am safe and wanted. 
And that?
Well that's sexy. 

So!
I want to lose weight.
(I hate feeling that so many women have typed the same thing, and they resisted hunger and felt bad about themselves. Because I would bet big money that these women were beautiful. So it definitely sucks that weight loss is such a big deal to the female heart.)

But I want to remain me.
I was trying to find a picture of how I want to look, but honestly, I'd just like to have a smaller belly. I want to still be fun old me, and fun old me does not stay fun when I starve. And that is why...I'm not going to starve! 
Genius, I know.
Here's a picture so you know who I want to still be at the end of all this:

Really, I just want to cut down on this:

So how am I doing that? Well, I'm drinking these awesome-actually-nutritious-and-somehow-manage-to-taste-good-shakes. That I also plan on drinking in Canada (I'm gonna be there for 6 weeks this summer, starting in July, yay for French immersion!)
And exercise I'm still somewhat chill about.
Why you may ask?
Well I'll tell you!
In the past when I've gone all gung-ho about working out, it fizzles out, crashes and burns, then stops burning just to light itself on fire again. 
And then there's brownies.
LOTS OF BROWNIES OM NOM NOM IN MA BELLY

So I'm exercising when I want, and just putting a little bit of pressure on myself to do it more, because I actually enjoy it. Mainly because it's just dancing with the wii. And walking (ok, that hasn't happened yet. But it will!)

--->But the point of all this! Well, I'm excited! And for once, not because it's some huge endeavor, but because my goal is actually attainable because I believe in myself!

I've been reading a ton of blogs lately, but one of my usual favorite haunts is Kelle Hampton's blog 'Enjoying The Small Things', and BOY is she inspiring. The joy that shines through her and her children is amazing. Her youngest daughter is Nella, and she has Down Syndrome, and although technically she is disabled, she is amazing. And not just for someone who has down syndrome, but for any little girl. 
It is so cool to watch these families and friends of families rally around these little people. And something that I've noticed...
they are so full of joy.

And it's made me think, because what we shoot for in America is the right car, the right marriage, the right house, the right kids. But look at us, we're super high in divorce rates, general unhappiness with our life, our job, and our kids. We struggle with weight because eating makes us happy (seriously. pasta = happiness).

But looking at these families, and especially this now blog that I found who features a family with a disabled child every friday (I think?), well their faces...
full of joy.
Shouting of joy!
And they are not perfect, in fact, they have to work harder then the rest of us, but they do and I think in that, in the fight, there is joy. I think when things aren't easy, and you have to fight for your child, and go out of your way to help her or him...
there is joy.

And maybe this post has made no sense, and maybe all I kept repeating was "joy!", but I'm inspired by these families and these awesome children and...that's all I have to say about that.

PS. The Blogs!
This Little Miggy Stayed Home  <--- Seriously. So great
and
Enjoying The Small Things  <--- Love love love

So, so much.
Yesterday I was reading super random blogs (one of my favorite past times, I love being allowed into people's thoughts and dreams, into their heart), and eventually last night became all about babies.
Maybe because being a mom is all I've ever wanted.
Maybe because if Jonathan and I get back together and survive, and decide to stay together, it will be a very long time before he is out of debt and we can get married and have kids.
Maybe it's because if we don't survive, that leaves me single, and dangit if I don't plan on being single for a looooooong time if that happens.

At the end of the day, the "kids" portion of my life was up in the air.
But then I was reading a woman's post about her birth story, and how she got to sit on a yoga ball, and walk around, and had a water birth, and then I saw it.
Me in labor.
And I knew it would happen.
I still don't know who it will be with. But that isn't for me to know right now.
Right now, today, as I type this, I am filled with so much hope! A hope and knowledge that is steadfast, that what I saw will happen.