Opposite of Speechless

It has taken me a long time to come to grips with a lot of things in my life. For the longest time I wanted a family and a love of my life so bad, but the guy part just wasn't happening. I felt shallow and stupid for letting it tear me down so much, being so heartbroken over something that I deemed unworthy of such a reaction from myself. I always heard I was young and it's all about God's timing anyway; both things being true. 

I've grown though. It feels like I've grown into my heart and accepted it for being easily hurt and sensitive, and I've found that I'm okay with that. I've learned to factor it in, that factoring it out doesn't work, and that letting it feel is the first step to working through things. 

That's a twitter trend right now, and I'd participate, but I'm rarely on twitter, and most of my friends aren't. But it got me thinking, if I listed 20 people, would those people be surprised, or do they already know how much I care for them?
My very best friends, they know, mainly because so often when I'm feeling unloved, or really just needing love, I show love to them. And often, they show it back (well, the girls do, the guys don't. typical!) so along those lines I of course, just like some of you, have thought about what I'd do if I only had ____ hours to live. And I know for me, I'd want to film myself telling people how much I love them, how awesome they are, and if I had time, to name things about them that they need to know are just...what makes them wonderful. 

So what I'm considering doing is this:
Writing letters. Not waiting till some mysterious end of the world thing, which I don't even believe in, happens. I want the lovely people in my life (and oh so many are quite lovely) to know how much I treasure them. I want there to be no doubt in their minds, that even if we don't hang out all the time, or I haven't seen them in years, that they're still on my heart, that they touched my life with something about them, and that I love them. These are the sort of things that people remember, and to be able to build someone up in such a tangible (yet slightly vulnerable way, at least on my part) is something I would greatly enjoy doing.

And what I'm wondering is, is there anyone in YOUR life who might have doubts or just plain ole not know how much you love them?

"Hey Dad, that sound that the dirt makes when you break it up with the shovel...don't you just love it?"

I can't wait to share that with my kids. Teaching them how green isn't just the color of a crayon, but how it can be so many different shades, all represented in one blade of grass. I want to show them how to get high off of life.

I've been a nanny for a month in a half now, which means that I've known the twins since they were two weeks old. Insert pictures!

My thirst to tell the truth gets me in trouble. 

Just like this might.
And so having said that,
if you know me because you're my parents, you might want to stop reading. But that is your choice, and I support you with whatever you choose.

And now onto the blog!

Things aren't the best at my house currently. There's something up with my dad and I have no clue what it is, but it's like walking into a constantly changing house whenever I come home, you just never know if it's going to be a good day, or a day when a stranger walking by gets yelled at. But that all changed when I came home today.

My wonderful, most beautiful aunt has breast cancer. She is such a joy to those around her, and that's why it's like a sucker punch to all of us. I've been taller than her since the 3rd grade, this spunky little ginger lady. I can't wait to see her beat this, but right now all I can think of is her being sad, and us being told that she doesn't want to face it yet, to talk about it yet. 

This is breaking me down, blog readers. I don't want things to change, and I'm scared.

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family.  Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.  ~Jane Howard



***[[will I be getting this tattooed on my head if we all choose to shave? heck yes.]]

It's something I deal with. I'm confident in abilities I have, and really just the things I can do when I'm absolutely determined to do them or at least to not FAIL at them. Ya know? Yeah. Like not failing my Biology class this semester in college. Scraped by with a C, and dangit I am proud of that grade.
But this is just a short little post about insecurity and confidence and the randomness that is me. Today and yesterday I've been dealing with a "friend" who most likely was never really a friend, or maybe he thought he was, but wasn't. And whereas I'd stay his friend out of sheer stubbornness and belief that everyone needs someone to talk to and connect with, I just 
can't
do 
it.

[I really enjoy answering questions -cause I'm self-centered- (just kidding, just kidding) and so...yes! I get these questions every Tuesday, cause other bloggers are awesome]

1. If you could watch only one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Probably....Georgia Rule. Or X3. I know I know, you're judging me for picking a Lindsey Lohan movie/a movie about mutants. I accept your judgement.

2. Let’s say someone wrote a screenplay about you; what actor/actress would you choose to play you and why?
Christina Ricci or Dakota Fanning. Why: maybe it's cause I have girl crushes on both of these actors, or maybe it's because I think they could both portray my childhood edginess well. You choose.

3. What’s the first movie you remember seeing in theaters?
I know the first movie I saw in theaters was Lion King because my parents have told me the story of me sobbing when Mufasa dies, but I have no recollection of that. I do however have a recollection of falling asleep a few minutes into one of the Star Wars movie when I was in first grade.

4. Did you ever make out at the back of a movie theater in middle school/high school?
Making out is for chumps ---> haha. It's not really, but I don't partake in it.

5. Are you a Netflix-er, Blockbuster-er or a Redbox-er? (Or none of the above?)
I'm a netflix instant person, with a redbox nasty habit.

6. Name one actor/actress who you would give anything to have a dinner date with.
I wouldn't give anything for any celebrity. But I WOULD really like to have dinner with Ellen or Oprah, just to have conversations with them about how they could be using their money/spreading awesome awareness.

7. What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?
I only saw 20 minutes of The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but that was enough. Recently though I saw The Switch with Jennifer Aniston and WOW. That was bad. Oh, I've also seen most of The Human Centipede, which is beyond stupid and gross.

8. Do you sneak snacks into the theater when you go?
I do. But I don't sneak them, no one at the movie theater truly cares if you bring stuff in.

9. Movie theater popcorn: love or hate it?
Love it but don't eat it, it's gross and I'm not a fan of getting my hands sticky (really it's just way too expensive)

10. What is the all-time best Disney movie in your opinion?
Mulan. hands down.

He was right, I did tire of him playing scales repetitiously on the piano obnoxiously fast. Music however, is always comforting. His fingers play on and on, and I can him hear him even though I'm outside on a lawn that I've never sat on before, and it is beyond beautiful outside. This yard is full of color without being overcrowded without flowers - yes, I am one of those strange people that can appreciate grass just as much as flowers. Grass seems more effortless somehow, although flowers will always be more graceful.

1. What is the weather like in your city today?
Well today I was in Springfield/Alexandria VA and it is currently 54 degrees. But it was nice today, nice enough to go for a walk with Zoe!

2. Do you like the zoo?
WHAT a random question! But yes, I do. Actually, it's just 'alright' quite honestly. I want to pet animals, not just watch them. So, I'd rather go to a legit petting zoo. But I do enjoy the zoo, it'd be a better date place then to just go and hangout, personally.

3. Do you eat coconut?
Not on purpose, but I do like it.

4. Have you ever hammered a nail? Are you good at it?
Dang straight I have! I've used power tools since I was in kindergarten (we have pictures people) and have loved hammering nails and using screwdrivers ever since. So yes, quite good at it. Good enough to have my own tool kit (be impressed)

5. Does your family have a vacation destination that you visit often?
Pawley's Island, SC. If you've ever heard me talk about the ocean and how during praise and worship at church I close my eyes and stand on a pier that juts out into the ocean:

Family has become more of a 'thing' with me lately. Not a phase, but more of a realization. As my world expands and I make more friends, I've come to realize that even though blood is thicker than water, the water I share with my close, amazing friends is...great. Magical. Blessed. It's what I am to have them and what our friendship is, blessed blessed blessed. I'm not infatuated with this idea, but rather comforted by it.
Brothers. I have two, and one that lives in my heart. I know that I can come to them for advice, but also...for fun. Love. Loyalty. We can be jerks to each other [which has happened] and things get worked out, because that's what you do. I wish I could express how thankful I am for these two friends to be amped up to brother status. It's kind of like I was driving back from Chicago and realized that the boy next to me was family, and why hadn't I seen that before?
----> Also, I've started talking more and more to guys. Finally ready to get out of the friendzone that I had set up camp in years ago and never bothered to leave. I've come to realize though, that strong Christian dudes are...well, I don't know where they are. But I won't date anyone less then the two very cool examples I have.

Sharing a passion with friends is something that almost can't be described by words. I have some great friends, but it's the ones who are on fire for God that are family. Closer then real family sometimes, because I can turn to them and say that I'm praying about a decision, and they'll understand and know the difference between waiting on God for direction and weighing my options. Some of my older friends use to have God in their hearts...and then it was like they snuffed out that light inside of them. I don't know what happened, but I feel like they became consumed with themselves, not in a vain way, but in a life happens sort of way. It makes me deeply sad, like watching someone drown but you just can't seem to reach them, no matter how hard you swim.