It's something I deal with. I'm confident in abilities I have, and really just the things I can do when I'm absolutely determined to do them or at least to not FAIL at them. Ya know? Yeah. Like not failing my Biology class this semester in college. Scraped by with a C, and dangit I am proud of that grade.
But this is just a short little post about insecurity and confidence and the randomness that is me. Today and yesterday I've been dealing with a "friend" who most likely was never really a friend, or maybe he thought he was, but wasn't. And whereas I'd stay his friend out of sheer stubbornness and belief that everyone needs someone to talk to and connect with, I just 
can't
do 
it.
Does everyone need a second chance? Heck yes! Does everyone need...love? of course. But I don't have it in me to be this boy's friend. His constant judgement of everything around him, including women's bodies just hurts me. And it takes a lot for me to say that, please understand. It takes a lot for me to be confident, and it is something that I've worked on for a long time and am slightly close to having a healthy level of confidence and self-worth...? I don't know. I hold the fact that my friends love me, truly love me, for exactly who I am, and God loves me enough to literally die for me, well I hold those things close to my heart. 
And this boy tears it all up with his "ish" as one of my friends would say.
And I don't know how to tell him that, because knowing him...he'd write it off. Just like everything else in his life. And maybe he'll read this and say hateful things, but he's already deemed me as "judgmental" and having a "superiority-complex" (both of which are untrue and just plain silly, but that could go without saying to anyone who knows me)
---------> side note! I WILL judge you if you don't like Mountain Dew. But then I'll high 5 you, because that means more for me! Yay us.

But that's the truth. He hurts me. But a youtuber I watch, Phil (ie sxephil) made a vlog where he talks specifically about women and confidence, which I absolutely loved. And I'd like to point out two things before I link to the video:
1. Confidence. I'm slowly having it by the grace of God, and learning to know and believe that I am lovely for who I am, inside and out. It's greatly helped having friends who know God in a real way and having them love me and really for ACCEPTING me, wanna be tattoo artist and spoken word poet and all.
2.Being hurt isn't a good reason for not pursuing a friendship, not really/not always. But if that person isn't actually your friend and they are actively hurting you...then yeah. And if this kid would own his brokenness and be real, then I would cry and hold another friend's hand and be his friend. 
This video was great. Tell a girl/woman/lady that she's pretty today. And that her soul is refreshing and beautiful and that you love when she shares her heart with you, because you understand that it takes guts to be real in a world that encourages the constant wearing of masks. 
 



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