Pet Peeve: people telling me that I'm not good at texting back.

Why I hate it?
1. It isn't true.
2. That's their opinion. Which is wrong.
3. I text back eventually, which is different than MANY PEOPLE that I know.

If I literally never text you back, then SURE,
by all means
tell me I suck at texting back.
But let's be real here.
I will respond. I do respond. Most likely, I just don't respond when you want me to, with a level of quickness which you would appreciate.

People who suck at texting back are in fact people who 
don't.
text.
back.
ever.

Maybe you don't have people in your life who do this. But I have people who haven't responded to a question I asked them 2 weeks ago. I have one person who hasn't responded for 3 months. 
So when I haven't gotten back to you in 2 weeks, then talk to me, ok?
Ok :)
 
 
I’ve been inspired to write about friendships because really, they effect (affect?) (ah-fekt?) everything about my life. The friendships I have at Mason show themselves in small amounts, such as sitting on a bench outside of class and sharing with each other how fed up you are with the teacher. Having a girl call you over because she knows she can talk to you and you’ll explain the assignment as best you can. Maybe these are acquaintances. Maybe acquaintances are just whispers of friendship. Friendships are just...mad important. I’ve realized that I’m so in love with Jonathan because he is my best friend. I fight with him like we’re friends, I gossip with him, I share with him, and I joke with him just like friends. If we weren’t friends, we wouldn’t have a relationship worth working on with as much love, acceptance, and sheer stubbornness as we do.

If I don’t spend time talking with a friend and connecting, I notice my life changes. The sky is always as blue, but I don’t feel like reaching up and twining my fingers in the clouds with as much passion. My relationships suffer and my passions dim just a bit. I miss the jokes and the laughter, and the sheer realness that friendships are. And please understand me, I find the rays of sunshine from friends shining out of my parents in a shared joke, out of my Jonathan when we walk into a conveniece store and automatically no where the other is going and where we’ll meet again, and even in my animals when we haven’t seen each other for a while, and the joy that both of us share when we do get to spend some time together [and ears are ruffled and scratched and faces are licked].

 

...

2/28/2012

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I cry a lot these days. Randomly, and for no reason. And most of the time I think something is wrong with me.

But sometimes, I wonder if I'm just crying for someone else in the world who can't cry right now. Maybe we're all so connected that years ago when I was so hurt that I couldn't cry because I knew I wouldn't stop, there was someone across the world who randomly started crying-for me.
 
 
Most nights I lay in bed and try and fight the swirling whirling thoughts that somehow only come alive at night. I try and calm down and simply go to sleep. But normally, I toss and turn.


Recently, my heart has started praying before bed. Last night I felt this longing and instantly starting praying for my ex. Then for the friends that are seemingly no longer friends. Than for all the people I am thankful for. And sprinkled among those, I thanked God for me. For keeping me alive, for my wonderful life, for everything.

I used to find it difficult to thank God for my life, or even to pray for myself. It felt selfish and egocentric for some reason. However, now when I finally start breathing heavier and slower, when I feel peace settling in, every exhale seems like a Thank You.

Tonight I go to bed not restless. I go to bed looking forward to the morning, and as I climb into bed emotionally drained all my mind comes up with to twirl around is:
"Tomorrow will be better"
and that...well that's true. 
 
 
Picture
So I have this theory that if two people are together, either in a relationship, or into each other, or one person is just head over heels in like/love/lust with someone, that how their relationship ends depends on how intense left over feelings are. 

FOR EXAMPLE [sense I'm a flippin confusing person]

-If something happens, such as that person hurts you deeply, even once you break up and don't see them anymore, part of you is still in love with them. Because by hurting you, they made the decision to stop loving you actively. For that moment, they stopped trying to protect you and your heart, and instead hurt it by their actions.
Now your heart is crazy hurt, but your love for them remains. It's why you feel mixed up inside and well...
for a while, you HATE them with an intense hate. And you feel like that because you love them still. Sure you're mad and angry and incredibly distraught. But you're really upset because they stopped loving you and you're left loving them. 

HOWEVER
If you grow apart, now that's a different thing. If both hearts get to distance themselves, they get to heal faster instead of just having a limb sliced off, like the above situation. I feel like in this scenario, there is a much better chance of the two people involved being friends in the future.

But that's just my two cents.

 
 
you won't be with me down the road.
That a day will come when we both want separate things and the only way we can both have what we want out of life is to go our separate ways.
It scares me to think of a path that doesn't have you walking beside me down it, but I refuse to not walk down the path of my life because of that fear.
I can't stop living my life, journeying through who I am and what I love because you aren't running the same race as me.
Everyday we spend together will make it harder and hurt more if we separate, but I would rather have you now and not then as opposed to not having you then and not having you now.
I can't separate from you to spare my heart, because my heart is not my own and it never has been. It's always been in the sky, the ocean, in the people that simply need love.
And I love you.

And after all of that, I finally remember:
"'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."


And I understand.
 
 
I have started thinking more and more about the comparisons we make to each other, while everyone [or mostly everyone] puts stock in being an 'individual'. These two things do not add up and yet I definitely
comply to both, be it wishing I was as skinny as the girl walking
infront of me or dressing in my own personal style and not giving a
crap if I look different. We all look different but I still want to
look like her. And by her in this scenario, as I'm writing this in my
English class, it's the skinny girl who sits in front of me. And the
skinny girl who sits next to her. I'd like to look like either of them
please.
But hear me out.
I am super trying not to whine, because I love that I'm different. I
love that I can listen and mostly not judge, that I accept and
encourage even if I do not believe what you believe, I love how much I
love color. I do not love my stomach or my arms.
And those two things are where I have my problem. They are
superficial, and I want to embrace them. I want to like it if they
shrink and accept it when they grow. I want to love them how I love my
personality.
 
 
What's up with me: [ugh. so egocentric. sorry!]
-started George Mason - love it. love love love. already looking into Masters programs
-decided to definitely be a high school counselor. seriously.
-finally went to the doctor about stress - turns out I've been having panic attacks. Who woulda thought? Weird.
-been feeling creativeness needing to come out of me, hence:
    Sleep pounds in my ear
    A steady
    Thump-thump
    We take turns chasing each other
-My birthday is soon and I'm so excited to turn 22 - (Feb. 11)
-Hating people on soap boxes lately - 3 fingers pointing back at you, ya know?
-Really want to hang out with people - oddly enough, too nervous to try.
-Stopped trying in a few of my friendships, realized I don't really miss them. Realized they haven't noticed.
-Relationship with parents - amazing
-Relationship with Jonathan - awesome
-Relationships with people who skype - great! 
-Some pictures that I love -