I'm very turned off by the church right now.
[You might say I have been for a while. But that was because I knew something was wrong but I just couldn't quite put my finger on it.]

I feel like I've been wearing a blindfold but peeking out of one eye periodically while simultaneously looking around at other people and very much noticing (and commenting to myself) "wow, they're wearing a blindfold". And by this I mean some church-goers. Rule keepers. Atheists. The hopeless. The almost lovers. 
---->WOW that list was confusing! And most of the labels listed had nothing to do with the other labels! Yup. I like to keep my lists ra-ra-random. Keep you on your toes, ballerina style. [Yup, I'm a dork.]

But I digress.

It has taken me FOREVER to realize that:
Being mad at God does not equal disagreeing with the church. Even being mad at the church and some people in it.
But now that I have realized it, I can step away from the church. From the Bible. Take the time that I need.
---Frequently Asked Questions [from the voices in my head]---
-What about prayer?
My heart still cries out to my maker, my best friend, the creator of the  ocean and the sky. So of course I still pray.
-What about Jesus?
I don't know just yet.
-Are you really stopping going to church?
When I want to go to church, I'll go. And vice versa. I do miss it.
-Is this just a phase?
My life is made of phases. So is yours.
-Is this because of a guy, either past or present?
No. Don't be an idiot.
-Was your dislike of the church caused by your past church [South County] being rude to you?
No, but it definitely helped it along. But at the end of the day that church was made up of humans [as most churches are] and humans hurt people. And love people. And so on and so forth. They just happened to show me hurt.
-Is this just you trying to "find yourself"?
I think life is about trying to find yourself. Trying to find the God in you. For me it's that feeling when I'm painting, when I lose myself. Along with the feeling that I get underneath the water, the feeling of home. The feeling of rubbing a blade of grass between my fingers and feeling every little ridge. And so much more.

To summarize:
This is a vast season of change. A change I am not charging into headlong. It is more of a backstroke gently pulling me through the water. I don't know where I'm going, but I know that I'm swimming in something that I love, going somewhere that is unknown to me. 
P.S. There are churches that are doing beautiful things. There are other religions that are doing beautiful things. More importantly, there are regular people doing beautiful things with no label other than 'love'. And that is one of the things that keeps me hoping. And please understand that I am happy and very much in love with my life. [I know that came out of nowhere, but I just felt like throwing it in.]
 


Comments

Marleny k.
01/17/2012 01:44

Intresting Erin. you are very brave for writing this. I salute you and I hope things work in your favor. Im realizing that a big part of this whole christian journey is finding a church, or a group of people that shares your same heart and desires and ultimately make you a better reflection of the character of God..its sad that your last church left you feeling less then a prized possession but people are people..and its such blessing that God doesn't leave it up to us humans for any sort of final word on anything. all i can say is be patient and keep looking and craving that church family that you desire and need and I know you will find a great fit..

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