My Song.

11/11/2010

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When I went to Oregon this summer, I went with a somewhat sad and definitely anxious heart. I was that deep sort of sad when you feel like you're not good enough for anyone, but you're too ashamed to voice this deep hurt inside of you for fear of someone looking you in the face and telling you that you're right, you're not good enough. Even more scary is knowing that someone will look you in the eye and sincerely tell you that you are, that you deserve love, and hearing your own heart not believe them.

In August I got to hear my friend's father sing at his (my friend's) going away party, and he was great! A lot of presence, heartfelt lyrics, the whole shebang. Went home, downloaded one of his albums from iTunes (yay for not stealing music!) and got halfway through a song he wrote for his daughter before stopping it and sobbing. It took me around half a month to be able to get through the song without the overwhelming need to fast forward, stop it, blow up my computer, something to stop this deep hole inside my heart from hurting. It was flippin crazy stuff!
My father loves me, I truly know this to be true. Do I have my own song? No. However, I also do not have a father that writes his own songs. 

I wanted more. That's what this pit was filled with, this need to know I was loved in such a tangible way and not just by my father, but by my Father. Yup, I brought God into it pretty much right away. I'm learning to recognize a deep seeded hurt that goes past my immediate family and friends right to the God above. 

I am supposed to long for Him, I also know this to be true. It's built into all of us, that's why we try to fill this big hole with relationships, work, an obsession with your cats. So there I was, going to Oregon with this need and want for a song. It honestly sounds vaguely care-free to me, but you have to factor in all the self doubt that goes into...me. My thoughts. The constant thoughts of not even deserving a song, a lyric, a note. But there was also this fierce hope and knowledge that God would have done everything He did to save us, even if it was just me. Because even though I can't really do anything right, He loves literally no matter what. Me. He loves me. (side note! He loves you too. Just sayin.)

And that's what I clung to. I've always had this deep connection with the ocean, and the week after I was going to leave Oregon I was getting in a car and driving with my family to South Carolina and my beloved beach. So I thought I would hear from God there, that the waves would be my song. That still didn't keep me from asking God "is this my song? Oh wait, is it this one?" when songs came on the radio. And Oregon was a growing period for me, I was working my way through the last bit of a book called 'Captivating' so there was a lot of other stuff going on in my brain/heart other then the song, but it always came back to that.

I sang 'Jesus Loves Me' in an amphitheater surrounded by other believers singing with me, with mountains literally towering over us and felt God speaking those words into my heart. I didn't need to go to the ocean. "Jesus loves me this I know" and there He was, standing with me while I clenched my eyes shut, felt uber-broken, and had tears streaming down my face, asking me if I really knew that He loved me like I was singing. Saying that it was time to believe it, because nothing could be more true.

The following week I stood on the shore with waves sucking back the sand underneath my feet and asked God "was that my song? Or is this my song? Or is there another love song?" I just still had to know. I knew He would tell me. 

They're all my song.
 


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