[You might say I have been for a while. But that was because I knew something was wrong but I just couldn't quite put my finger on it.]
I feel like I've been wearing a blindfold but peeking out of one eye periodically while simultaneously looking around at other people and very much noticing (and commenting to myself) "wow, they're wearing a blindfold". And by this I mean some church-goers. Rule keepers. Atheists. The hopeless. The almost lovers.
---->WOW that list was confusing! And most of the labels listed had nothing to do with the other labels! Yup. I like to keep my lists ra-ra-random. Keep you on your toes, ballerina style. [Yup, I'm a dork.]
But I digress.
It has taken me FOREVER to realize that:
Being mad at God does not equal disagreeing with the church. Even being mad at the church and some people in it.
But now that I have realized it, I can step away from the church. From the Bible. Take the time that I need.
---Frequently Asked Questions [from the voices in my head]---
-What about prayer?
My heart still cries out to my maker, my best friend, the creator of the ocean and the sky. So of course I still pray.
-What about Jesus?
I don't know just yet.
-Are you really stopping going to church?
When I want to go to church, I'll go. And vice versa. I do miss it.
-Is this just a phase?
My life is made of phases. So is yours.
-Is this because of a guy, either past or present?
No. Don't be an idiot.
-Was your dislike of the church caused by your past church [South County] being rude to you?
No, but it definitely helped it along. But at the end of the day that church was made up of humans [as most churches are] and humans hurt people. And love people. And so on and so forth. They just happened to show me hurt.
-Is this just you trying to "find yourself"?
I think life is about trying to find yourself. Trying to find the God in you. For me it's that feeling when I'm painting, when I lose myself. Along with the feeling that I get underneath the water, the feeling of home. The feeling of rubbing a blade of grass between my fingers and feeling every little ridge. And so much more.
To summarize:
This is a vast season of change. A change I am not charging into headlong. It is more of a backstroke gently pulling me through the water. I don't know where I'm going, but I know that I'm swimming in something that I love, going somewhere that is unknown to me.