what this blog post is going to be about. Yesterday one of my new friends asked me the equivalent of why I believe in Jesus/why I'm a Christian/Christ follower. And I had no idea what to say, which I'm quite aware, is the wrong response. 
But to me, the answer to that shouldn't be a jumbled mess, which was all I could offer. I'm a broken messed up person going through some crap right now, and even though I know I should lean on God, I haven't been. So when faced with that question I went to grab out to God and realized that He wasn't where I had left Him. Or maybe He was, and I had just walked farther away then I realized. So I bowed out of the question, and I was deeply sad. 

But I've been thinking about it, and even though it's still a difficult question, I've decided to try and explain it on here. And I'm going to use a Tegan & Sara song as reference, which probably won't make any sense, but that's okay. 

My Number
Showers pounding out a new beat
I trade my old shoes for new feet
I grab a new seat
I don't like the one I got 
The fabric's wearing through
And it's wearing me out
-----> That's what I told God. I got to the point 2 years ago when it was either go with God and for the first time never go back, or leave the Earth. I was ready, and I couldn't take it. Things had happened and it was terrible being inside of myself, feeling too ashamed to reach out. I love my parents and I know that if they read this they'll be hurt to know that I didn't feel like I could reach out to them, so I've gotta say: I knew I could reach out to them. That they'd be there, and they'd love me through anything and everything. But sometimes, your business is your business, and this was mine and mine alone. 

You're wearing me down
Watching old baseball games 
And low budget telethons
Ain't like watching you yourself 
When you yourself is on
Got time to wander to waste and to whine
But when it comes to you
It seems like I just can't find the time
So watch your head and then watch the ground
It's a silly time to learn to swim 
When you start to drown
--->I was drowning. I was broken. He pulled me up. This was no fairy tale, I spent time angry with God and realized that anger was okay. You're not truly angry ever at strangers, anger is an intimate feeling. At least the sort of anger you feel when you feel betrayed. And I felt betrayed by God. Where had He been? Why hadn't He helped? It was a huge breakthrough for me when I realized that He was there through everything. He hadn't left, like everyone else. He had seen, He knew me and what was going on when no one else did. 
It's a silly time to learn to swim 
On the way down
If I gave you my number 
Would it still be the same
If I saved you from drowning
---> That's what He did. He saved me. He forgave me. He freed me. I could feel the nastiness inside, the ugly part of me that just never went away and I couldn't deal with living my life with it influencing everything. And don't get me wrong, I still have it. But I'm learning to deal with it, and that God loves ALL of me. For a while I thought I couldn't be loved with the ugly inside of me, that I somehow had to get rid of it, but of course there is no way to get rid of it. I'm human. I've learned not to embrace the ugly. If that makes any sort of sense.
Promise me you'll never go away
Promise me you'll always stay
---> This was huge for me. "Promise me you'll always stay" is exactly what I said to God. And I heard a resounding "I promise" to the very depths of my soul. I know that He said that to me better than I know the tattoos on my own skin. I felt him save me better then I feel the chair underneath my butt. Do I know what I believe about evolution or some parts of the Bible? Nope, sure don't. But if you're drowning and someone reaches out to rescue you, do you take the time to analyze the fingerprints on their hand before you grab it for safety? Sure don't. I do plan on figuring out everything that I can, but that doesn't get in the way of me having hope and grace and this fantastic 'I'd love to die for you oh please can I tell you about' love.

Closed down the last local zoo
I'm gonna win the endless war
Over who kills the last koala bear
And who in death will love him more and I
He grabs me by the hand
Drags me to the shore and says
Maybe you don't love me
But you'll grow to love me even more
And I well I'm not surprised
---> I sure am surprised sometimes. I do not and did not deserve this love. And I don't try and deserve it. I accept what He gives me and I try to live for Him. I love Him, and He loves me. I am FREE INDEED and that means the world to me. I have someone who will never leave and who will never stop loving me. I have hope and a future. And joy! Which by no means that I'm happy all the time. Just sayin.

******I'd like to point out that I didn't touch on a lot of stuff that I do believe. I gave you the shortened version with what I cared to talk about, as I type while the room slightly tilts because I waited too long to eat and am sleep deprived. Totally worth it. Also, I picked this song because 
1. I love Tegan and Sara. No, this song isn't 'Christian' (insert eye rolling here), but for the record one of my favorite songs that I've deemed truly spiritual is 'Here Comes the Sun' by the Beatles. It speaks to me.
2. I was just driving home and realized that I could relate a lot of what I was thinking to this song. 
 



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