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[Read this book. It's amazing. But really only the picture on the cover has anything to do with what I'm going to write about.]

For the past few weeks, I've greatly related to the boy on this cover. This is basically the exact image I have in my head when people ask me how I feel, or my best friend asks me how I'm doing today. It's been a whirlwind of feeling like I'm a chore for my friends, feeling like my closest friends must think I'm hideous on the inside, and trying to figure out what exactly needy is and how not to be it. 
I've freaked out, been sad, been angry, been 'all whatever' about it, and now...I'm ok. I'm dealing with it. I don't exactly feel like everything has been stripped away, because I have still stayed in contact with one of my best friends and I'm still smiling. That took a while, but it's happening. I feel like I'm relearning myself, which is truly wonderful in theory, and absolutely needed in life. I am very much a 'solve it right now!' sort of person, but when it comes to this, there is no quick answer.

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Being told I was needy was heartbreaking. It's something I feel as though I've worked my entire life to not be. It's why I'm an "emotional ninja". Turns out...I am needy. I need constant confirmation from some people that they still like me, that I'm not annoying them, that they still want to be my friend. That train of thought even annoys me in my own head, so don't misunderstand me, I know where I'm at in this needy business. But see, I always saw the word needy to just mean...ugly on the inside. Who could possibly be friends with someone who was (GASP) needy!?! 
I'm learning that needy is normal. That most of us are all needy in some ways (ie we're all working on it in some ways. Or ignoring it_. I am very prone to thinking that a friend is just going to drop me; that people are going to want out of my life like yesterday. 
I'm learning that they don't.

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It's so funny see, cause this quote really signifies where I am right now with God. Normally it's like in a movie when two people are standing at the edge of a cliff, and one grabs the other's hand and they both jump off into the water. It's awesome. I love it. It's normally how I am with God. It's very "I've got you, let's do this!". Now it's a very hesitant reaching out in the dark, hoping to find a guiding hand. And I feel like I really am "woah, livin on a prayer". I think...it's a good place to be. He's reintroducing me to...me. I've been trying to be who I thought everyone else wanted to see and I'm learning...that's not me. It's why I get so especially furious when I'm rejected, because I've worked so hard to be who they want.
I remember having that picture of the 2 girls holding hands on my xanga, yeah, back in the day when xanga was popular, for me, 8th & 9th grade. It always reminded me so much of my best friend Amber and I. And she has been the one person that I allowed to stay, never regretted sharing with, and has helped me so much. 
She's truly been a Godsend.
Cause there was definitely a period of time when I was following the path of "If I'm so ugly and needy, why should I even be on this earth?" and just being able to share that with someone who I knew would actually be there was amazing.
And now I'm working through stuff. I'm smiling again.
And I've made more art then I literally ever have. 
God is good.

"Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful"

 



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