over many things this week.(yes, I purposefully use incorrect grammar sometimes. Calm down). And they're all up there (the confusing thoughts that is. I like to picture them as keys with wings), swirling inside my head. But they're all quiet, not so quiet as to let me forget them, but just quiet enough to make me not too concerned about doing something about them. Loud enough to make me want to drink, or just start running and never stop. But confusing enough to make me cry.
I was sweeping today while listening to this on my iPod, and at one point he (Rob Bell) says something along the lines of "it always rains" and you know...it always does. At one point or another, the rain will come. And boy...
I am soaking wet.

PS. the video isn't in spanish. just the subtitles are.

I need to make a list. I know it's random, but it's what I do.
-Yesterday, one of my friends told me next to this random guy, I was the loudest person he knows. We were in a big group and it was all 'fun & games', but I wanted everything to freeze so I could stop and ask him (and by 'ask him', I mean 'interrogate him') about this. I don't consider myself a loud person. I'm the constant translator between my parents, one very quiet person and one person who can't hear (or just can't listen) very well. So I feel like I would know if I was loud. This is...huge for me. It's not on the same level as calling me fat, but it hurts like it. And it's been said before, also by a guy friend. And it makes me never want to talk in front of them again. Or just to any one.

-I feel like I'm expendable to some people. And sometimes they assure me that no no I'm not. I'm valuable. But then they prove otherwise. And I don't understand. And I would love to say that that makes me not want to talk to them anymore...but I can't. Not with all of me agreeing and saying 'Right on sister! Fight the man!' (inside I'm a soul sister). It does however make me distance myself from them. I'm beginning that process, and it's painful. Especially when they don't notice, and I'm reaffirmed that I'm doing the right thing. (That seems very pointed. But it's actually not even about one specific person in my life. And I know most people who read this don't even know me, but if you do and you're making assumptions...well. Don't be silly)  ;)

-I'm not expendable to other friends. And that's awesome. I hate that this bullet point doesn't get a paragraph, but it doesn't need one. Let's move on.

-I am intensely grateful for my parents. Things have been sucking since my mother had foot surgery a week ago, but they got extremely better yesterday, all because of the grace of God, and Him speaking into this stubborn head and heart of mine. I live in a great place, and great people provide for me. 

-I miss my girls. Stephanie and Veronica are at the end of the day, my rocks. We go to Caribou Coffee and we talk real loud and imitate pirates randomly, and hell "huzzah! huzzah!" and it's awesome. And now school has started and I don't see either of them anymore. And I miissssssssssssss themmmmmm. 

-I fight with my close friends. I don't know why. It sucks. But actually, not with all of them. With Cristen and Sister May I don't. It's like I have come to a peace in my heart with them, that we won't always talk, but boy do we love each other. They're beast and I would get on a plane and fly to them in an instant if they needed me to. And they'd do it for me. I'm scared of getting closer to the people here. But at the same time, I'm pretty sure God is giving me a peace about them. There are some amazing girls here that part of me just longs to reach out to. And I know I will, because that's His will, and because I've already done it a little bit. But it is scary, so I've been thinking about that too...

-I feel like taking a vow of silence.

-and last (but not least. or even truly last) is that I've been encouraged by a few people to talk to my church leaders about something. And I just truly do not want to because I do not think it will go well. It is truly confrontation, and I'm just not good at that. I'd say most females aren't/just don't like it, but I don't want anyone to think I'm harping on women. It just tends to be true. AND it would be with two males. They're beast people...but maybe that's what makes the idea suck more. And I've also totally gotten that it wouldn't be 'confrontation' but that's BS. Anytime you're purposefully going and initiating a conversation where you need to inform the other person of something that is something that they will not be a fan of hearing is a confrontation. All I have to say is...yargh.

There's a mess load of more stuff in there that I just didn't want to mention. Or don't even have words for.

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