Providing for your family does not make you a good father/husband. I'm sorry, it just doesn't. And I'm not saying that I have experience in this area, and I am super thankful that my dad is:
a. Still around, I know a lot of people without fathers and
2. A good provider*

So yeah! Not trying to say anything here people. Part of this is really stemming from me writing to my future spouse (something I've done for a while, but don't have a substantial amount written) and it's just really been on my heart that I need him to know this. Money is great, but I'd rather be poor and happy.

I put up a few "I'm thankful for:" facebook status updates in the past week in anticipation of doing this blog post, where I thought I'd put a few more. I've also been toying with the idea of really laying it out, and listing tons of stuff. I wasn't going to do it because: it would be too long and time consuming and I'd have to leave some stuff out out of necessity. Also, if I list my actual friends...that would be weird, right? Like...2 of them will read would it really matter?

But I think what trumps all of this is:
If you're really thankful for something/someone...why not write it down, even if it is just for yourself, as a reminder that hey, you're thankful for this person!

I admitted to my friend that I recently learned that I ramble when I'm nervous and talking about something meaningful to give my mind a break from being stressed, and you know what he said?
"yeah, I know"
That shocked me! Here I was just learning this and working through it, and he had known for a long time. I wish he had told me!
Another one of my friends shared with me yesterday that she doesn't feel feminine, and here I was for years considering her way more feminine and confident then I am. And that's just true. Her body is rockin, she has gorgeous hair, and these Angelina Jolie lips that are insane (but not obnoxious).Now I'm the one wishing I had told her!
Over the summer two of the girls in my small group shared that they find me very peaceful and my voice very soothing. And that is one of the small group times that I keep close to my heart, because I have needed to hear that for what seems like ages. I've always felt called to be a source of peace, but I've also always felt like such a thunderstorm with my feelings that I would never be able to bring anyone peace or even portray it and comfort someone with it. Many of my friends have since echoed their statements, not out of knowing that I would love to hear that and have it be true, but because it literally is true in their lives, I am a source of comfort and stability for them.

I've been thinking lately, well, more like wondering, if love is like forgiveness. A new concept that was introduced to me on Sunday circa '5 Love Languages' is that forgiveness isn't a feeling, it's a choice. I'm gonna let you in on a secret
           I had no idea.
Literally. There have been times when I wanted to forgive people, but couldn't. What they did just hurt so deeply, that although in my mind I forgave them, I just couldn't shake that feeling of hurt. And then a long came this book and this concept and it was like:


is what I'm doing. My room is always messy. I'd tell you why I have to clean my room, which involves an ultimatum from my mother, but I will not, because it will just make me angry, so instead I shall tell you a lie that I'm working on believing:

I'm cleaning my room of my own free will, it will not take long, and I will actually enjoy it because I get to listen to Pandora the entire time.

Yeah, I'm not convinced either. SO! Whenever I clean my room, or try to do homework, or fill out applications, I have all these random thoughts that I would rather think about/write about, and I dwell on them instead of completing my task. 

that the best way to keep a secret/make sure something stays on the DL (hehehehe) is to write it in bold and just put it out there. Cause then it's not seen as a secret and thusly, it is no big deal. I'm a mastermind guys, can't you tell?

So I finally texted my friend that they had made feel forgotten/worthless. (And there's really no recovering from that). Cause THAT'S how I keep a secret! Also, I made an 'about me' page, so that was fun! This is a completely random blog post, but I felt like writing/typing while shaking because I'm so cold. 

Snuggies are stupid. But if they made snuggies out of much heavier fabric, they would be genius. Genius I tell you!
When I went to Oregon this summer, I went with a somewhat sad and definitely anxious heart. I was that deep sort of sad when you feel like you're not good enough for anyone, but you're too ashamed to voice this deep hurt inside of you for fear of someone looking you in the face and telling you that you're right, you're not good enough. Even more scary is knowing that someone will look you in the eye and sincerely tell you that you are, that you deserve love, and hearing your own heart not believe them.

In August I got to hear my friend's father sing at his (my friend's) going away party, and he was great! A lot of presence, heartfelt lyrics, the whole shebang. Went home, downloaded one of his albums from iTunes (yay for not stealing music!) and got halfway through a song he wrote for his daughter before stopping it and sobbing. It took me around half a month to be able to get through the song without the overwhelming need to fast forward, stop it, blow up my computer, something to stop this deep hole inside my heart from hurting. It was flippin crazy stuff!


Oddly enough, I really do try to not be overly emotional on here. I don't want to type all this crap when I'm upset and end up sounding like a disgruntled 14 year old who didn't get Justin Bieber tickets because her bff Jill turned into a ho (maybe not the best example hahaha).