partly because I was way too OCD to wear them when I had a lot of hair, and because I miss my hair so much that it feels better when I have something on my head. However on a plus side, I think everyone has to do something crazy with their hair at least once. And I've wanted to shave my head for ages (no, I did not go that far), but now I know that I won't enjoy that. 
I...have a quandary. And it turned out I did not know how to spell the word 'quandary', thank you intense somewhat rude red line thingy that always points out my mistakes! Now if only they had one of those in real life...hehehe.
Back to quandary. Which I am now pronouncing 'quan-dairy' in my mind. When do you tell someone that they've hurt you? And I don't mean 'wow, you said something kind of rude, but it's okay cause you didn't know' hurt you, I mean 'wow. that hurt deep. and I don't even want to respond to what you just said cause I'm too busy hurting' sort of thing. 
I find we all have these.
Today was the first time I've gotten in a disagreement with one of my friends, and was purposefully mature, didn't flip out even on the inside, and even suggested something that I knew would hurt me but would be good for our friendship. Yay! I know all this sounds retarded, but in the past only my ginger has been this mature and I've always been all "how do you do this!?!?" cause my heart tends to get in my way and I just freak out. But not this time. 
over many things this week.(yes, I purposefully use incorrect grammar sometimes. Calm down). And they're all up there (the confusing thoughts that is. I like to picture them as keys with wings), swirling inside my head. But they're all quiet, not so quiet as to let me forget them, but just quiet enough to make me not too concerned about doing something about them. Loud enough to make me want to drink, or just start running and never stop. But confusing enough to make me cry.
never sounded so good. Yesterday one of my good friends sat down and started talking me, and I've found myself thinking about what he said on and off today. In the past, tipsy words have normally been things I wish I could forget about or things I truly wish I didn't hear (people my parent's age making sexual jokes = major ew), but these words were great. 

He said that if I happened to have a hole in my heart because one of my best friends recently moved away, to reach out to his wife for help filling it, because she truly enjoys me and our friendship. 

So simple and straightforward. 
So needed.

What made all this especially cool? This week has been difficult. I feel like I've been dying for someone to notice me. To want to hear from me. For someone to ask something more in depth than
"how's school?". For someone to care. So what he was saying was just...especially meaningful and awesome. (side note: I bet a lot of people feel that way, ie like they're only good for the usual questions. We all need to start really seeing people)

I just typed a big long post about weddings. And I knew if I posted it, that tomorrow I would come back and debate myself on it, over if I truly meant all of it and just tons of stuff. All I know is this:
  • I'm tired of thinking about weddings, and doubting I will ever have one to the type of man I want to marry. So I'm giving up the doubt.
  • Where's the doubt going? To God. I don't need it anymore. 
  • I just want to glorify God with everything I do. 
So this is me giving it up:
yeah I know, 3 random pictures. But I don't want to randomly find these on my computer anymore, and feel  the sadness and doubt try and creep back up into my heart. I'd like to quote Chris Tomlin and the song 'Our God' when I say:

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God… 

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against? 

(yeah. I copied it straight from the website cause I didn't trust my knowledge of the lyrics. Which is just silly, cause I knew them.)
Ya know...the other day one of my friends was talking about hating that with some sin, you have to fight it everyday. And when I say every day, I mean:

Every. Flippin. Day.

and she was saying how that sucked and it was discouraging, to think that something that is so hard to fight for just that one moment in time, is something you are going to have to CONTINUE to deal with. And I was like.....yeah? Clearly I was having a slow moment. My brain was all 'Ooh shiny I'm sleepy' and I was not helpful in that texting conversation. But this wedding topic pertains to that exactly. When I think about weddings I hear

You are never going to have one. Dear goodness look at you, why would you even think you would have one?

I could go more into that, but I don't want to put thoughts into your head. Those words can get out, and stay out of my heart and yours. Thinking I'm not good enough and unworthy of love is something I deal with everyday. It's not one of those things that can be fixed by a few notifications on facebook or someone saying that they miss me. It takes those thoughts being replaced with God's love and His words in my heart

You. are so beautiful. the sky doesn't even compare.

I heard those yesterday on my walk when instead of listening to the other disgusting rude voices I gave up and listened to God. It has taken amazingly long to realize that I can't do anything on my own. And so EVERY.DAY. I fight to give up the reins to my own life, to tell myself that the truth in my mind (that I am not lovable) is actually a lie. And you know what? 

I wouldn't have it any other way. When I stop fighting something every day and just become complacent about it, I get attacked with it out of nowhere, and then I'm drowning. At least when I have to fight it by fighting myself, I become weak and you know...He truly does become strong. I have faith that if I fight everyday, one day the fight will become less. One day my heart will see God's truth as my own truth, and the lies and lies. I can't imagine wishing that the process would hurry up, I feel like that would be the same as skipping the first half of a painting, or the first pictures I take that are just crap. Instant gratification just doesn't feel that great anymore. 

I'd rather just chug along. Paint the first half, the part where you don't even know what's going to end up on your canvas. Take the first crappy pictures, because eventually you'll get to the good one. Can you even imagine if we all just went along for the ride and let God change us into who He's called us to be?
is what I am going to try and plan out. And then execute with much triumph and frustration! My basic plan that I have formulated with the help of my one of my very best friends, and one of my favorite blondes, is to basically blog about different categories/sections/goals of my life as a way to accomplish one goal (journaling) and to be accountable, even if it is only to my computer screen. 

Thus far the goals I can think of (and want to focus on currently, more will be added later, because let's face it, life changes) are:
  • stretching/contortion.
  • writing
  • running
  • God/reading the Bible and other christian books. shout out to Captivating!/hearing from Him/our relationship
  • drawing
  • volunteering
I would love to include photography and music on the list, but I just don't want to overload myself even more. Going from chilling to actually busy and needing to time manage in my life will be difficult. and if God provides a job for me!! Now that'll be crazy. awesome. ie: CRAZY AWESOME.

thoughts on things I've forgotten?
think it can happen?
you know my number :)

PS. if you feel like stalking slash you're super bored slash you just love me [you know I love you too!] this is all on a new page at the top of this one. It's called 'Goals'.

A few weeks ago I was lying outside in my yard on the grass because I wanted to talk to God, get out of my house, and frankly I remember it being fun when I was a kid. Turns out, still fun! And even better, we have a butterfly bush, which is basically a bush that attracts a lot of butterflies. Not great for concentration, but beastly for causing joy in God's creation.

I was kneeling next to these flowers, feeling like an awe struck 6 year old, and I remember my heart whispering to God "Oh Lord, these are so beautiful. I wonder if they know how beautiful they are...and I wonder what it would be like to BE so beautiful." And that, that invited His spirit in. I know it might sound crazy to some of you, but I'm sure others of you have felt the same awe of the sky, or the ocean, or even seeing pure love in someone's eyes, and just feeling God right there next to you. And sometimes I'm just so aware of how beautiful the world is, and how God made it, and you know...He really appreciates us appreciating Him. And with all of that came this feeling of God answering back "You should feel like that. YOU are beautiful, and I should know, because I made you that way."

I feel like we spend so much time searching for someone to affirm us, either in our beauty or abilities, or just worth. But what if we saw ourselves as butterflies? God's creations flying around, absolutely beautiful. 

Thinking about it makes me not angry anymore at the person who tried to cut me off on the road today. And at the stupid things people sometimes say. To be a butterfly and not even realize it...well that's a pretty sad thing.

PS. Maybe this didn't make any sense. Maybe I'll come back to it later and try to fix it up. But I enjoy just free writing, and worrying about the rest later. 
A conversation between the maker of the universe and I. Held lovingly in my heart and now written down as an example of a relationship, not a religion. As a reminder for myself when my heart is sad, and God feels far away.(Even though I know it's I who has moved) And lastly when I am so intensely tempted to give in to sin, I can read this and remember that He walks with us.

"I wish I had here friends and not there friends,
Enough 'see you next summer' friends,
Instead some "I'll be there in five minutes" friends.
Friends who have time to listen to my rhyme,
Time to share joys and blessings,
Trials and tears."
I throw these words to the wind knowing my God will hear,
What does he say back to me, His lonely child?
"I have all the time in the world."
Today I was riding around taking pictures on my bike, and my mom’s amazing (yet scratched up camera) has this weird option to take a picture twice, once without the flash, then with. And the images inspired this random thought of the day:

I feel like most of us freak out when we see this in our lives.