A lot of things are changing in my life. You all know this. And if you know me, you know that I like to add things on to that. Such as what I recently did, which was to end a friendship that was co-dependent and not good for anyone involved [in July] and then to put a friendship on hold until Christmas [a few weeks ago], and most likely that friendship will stay on hold for a very long time. If I'm already hurting, I like to add stuff on. I think it makes sense! 
I feel like if your fingers on one hand are broken, you wouldn't ever just put 2 of them in a cast. You might as well put the whole hand in. 
So I'm trying to learn good habits, how much TV not to watch, and when to paint and when to read. And me being me, I'm adding in working out to that. For a very long time my "working out" has been to just not eat for a few days, finally give in, and continue to feel bad about myself while drowning in Mountain Dew. the truth is, I want to look like this:

 
 
Lately I've been letting a lot of lies into my heart.
Believing most of them.
I've been drowning in my own sorrow because it was comfortable.
Really, it's growing that hurts.
So now begins the process of me owning my heart.
Heart broken because I love someone who will never love me in return.
[Yup, that's going to be a theme on this blog because it's taken me a few years to own it in my own head/heart]
To give my heart to God so He can rewrite His truth on it.
Truth that I am HIS first, no one else's second.
Truth that HIS love is the most important, and wow oh WOW does HE love me. 
I'm giving God my fear, and it is a great fear, because when you fall for one of your best friends, often that friendship can't continue, because it'll rip you apart. And I love his friendship. I don't want it to go. But I can only save it by truly giving it to God. 

This girl wrote a book about the lies we face, and she wrote God's truth next to it. Here's some of the pictures from the book, ones that are especially prevalent to me right now. If you want to learn more, look up The Truth Project on facebook! [As always, click on the pictures to make them bigger]
 
 
I try and surround myself with art. Art that inspires me, art that I can float in it's beauty. And although this may seem lame, the app Instagram seriously helps with that. So I screen capture the epicly good pictures that people post, and now, I'm going to share them with you lovely people! 
[as always, click on the pictures to make them bigger]
Also, if you have instagram, you should totally follow these people, because they tend to create/take pictures of great stuff! 
 
 
--->Scattered thoughts of a frustrated heart.

My friend doesn't want to go to the coffee shop we frequent anymore, but how can I tell her that driving to her house costs way too much gas?I know this is random, and probably sounds whiny, but this is me being real.
I'm choosing not to work until January. No school, no 'real' work (ie random jobs, sure. Nanny? No thanks. Not unless it's for your dogs) and I like that. I do. Of course the hard part is not having any money. All of a sudden you want this book, or a sweater, and you realize you don't have the money for it. Or even worse, you pay for gas and you realize you are now making negative money. 
I'm hoping to sell my art.
It's hard when you can't buy art supplies.
So you make do.
I realize there are people much worse off, mainly because I'm not even 'worse off', I'm just broke. I know if I asked my mom if I could buy something, she'd give me the money. But still I have this ever present tightness around my heart, this stress that makes my eyebrows feel tight on my forehead. 

I watch my dad go to work.
He hates it.
But he gets to buy what he wants. 
It makes me upset that he gets to buy whatever he wants [multiple guitars], but I know I need to grow up and not let it get to me.
     I know I'm acting like a jealous little kid.
I'm poor by my own doing.
I wouldn't trade him for his unhappiness.

I want to grow in this time that God has given me to grow.
But I want a lot of things these days.
It's so weird this fight that I'm in for peace. 
You wouldn't think you'd need to fight for peace, you know?
 
 
[best viewed on a laptop/desktop, if only to click on and make the pictures bigger]
As you may or may not have figured out, I am quite literally in love with the ocean. When I look at the ocean, I am absolutely sure beyond a doubt that there is a God and He loves me with everything He has. No convincing, no hesitation, nothing. else. needed.
I love it. I love that I will always truly feel at home standing in the water and feeling the current try to pull me out. I breathe deeper there, I am alive again! 

I realized the other day that I want to be that confident about the guy I'm going to marry. To know without a doubt, no second guessing, no fear, that he is the one God planned for me. I've never had that feeling about anyone that I've liked/loved, ever. And I love that! After this realization my heart calmed and I've felt more peace than I have in a long time, simply because this peace is based on my peace in God drives out the fear that has been rooted in my heart for so long pertaining to the man I'm going to marry. I know that one day God will put him in my life. One day I'll have that peace. And I can definitely wait and love my God until (and after)! then. 


--->These photos were taken from an Etsy shop called 'Poor College Kids'
 
 
[if you know what movie that's from, you win A LOT of prizes]

"everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive" - C.S. Lewis
     
     Oh C.S.Lewis. Your quotes always annoy the heck out of me on some levels, because as soon as I read them the introspection starts and I find something new I need to fix to become more like Jesus.
THANKS.
     Pretend sarcasm time over: Oh wow. It's so true. If you know me or my blog, you know that my life is based around friendships [pretty much. God and tattoos/art as well, but we're not talking about that right now, so stop distracting me! Rude], and that I recently "broke up" with one of my friends:
link to the break up note/update

And you know what?
I've been angry.
True life: we were more than friends over a year and a half ago, but then we went back to being best friends. So the "break up" was also me wondering who the heck I had been so in love with, because I never stopped loving. No wonder the friendship didn't work (there's many other reasons). 
Anger at myself.
Anger at them.
Anger alllllll around.
But in this trying time with everything else going on, I'm finding the anger leaking out. Not spilling out onto other people, thank the Lord, but leaking out because there's no room for it. 
Forgiveness is happening.



Picture
 
 
[click on the links if you want to see what I'm talking about.]
1. Do you listen to the radio in your car?  If so, what type of station do you like?

I do indeed! It has become completely oldies listening if I'm not plugging in my iPod or playing one of my CD's. 

2. What is the best concert you have ever attended?

It technically wasn't a concert, but if there's a band and 10,000+ people singing to me...that equals a concert. So in that case, it's gotta be Gungor on stage at Catalyst singing Beautiful Things. There was so much crying, and getting to really HEAR 10,000 broken people singing their hearts out...amazing.

3. What is the most embarrassing concert you have ever attended?

Brittany Spears. 2nd row baby!

4. If you could have the singing voice of anyone in the world, who would it be?

Joan Baez. Joni Mitchell. ---> Seriously. Click and watch Joni playing and singing. It is legit CRAZY. If she is what you mean when you call me a hippie, I will hug and (Belgian)kiss you next time I see you!
boom. 

5. You’re auditioning for American Idol.  What song do you sing?

my opera version of "I don't wanna be a chicken I don't wanna be a duck so I shake my butt" but with a British accent thrown in there for class. Just kidding. Over The Rainbow for sure. Or Country Roads. Or Sweet Baby James. Or a sweet mashup of all 3.

6. If your previous weekend had its own soundtrack, what would be a few of the songs?

Let it be by the Beatles for the message and comfort, Turning Tables by Adele for the disappointment felt

7. Most annoying television show theme song ever:

the one for The Big Bang Theory. UGH.

8. Are you and your significant other music-compatible?

The guy I like(d) = no way jose. I NEED Free by the Zac Brown Band to be in my life and he hates it. It is most likely legitimately on his list of why he doesn't like me as more than a friend. But there is just some country music that I will forever love.

9. A song that brings me back to middle school:

Anything on Linkin Park's album Meteora. I knew that entire thing back then, I was that full of teenage angst.

10. A song that brings me back to high school:

Iris by the GooGoo Dolls. Oh honey, YES. I loved that song (still do), but back then I journaled the lyrics on anything that would stay still.

11. A guilty pleasure song (or three):

Hot Dog by LMFAO.
 ok, you may think it sounds ridiculous, but look at these lyrics:
Look Now, I don't care what you think
I'mma do my thing tonight
I came to dance, came to drink
Livin' that disco life
I burned about a thousands cals
Dancin', movin', shakin', groovin'
So f*ck what my trainer say
I'm tryna get a hot dog
I'm tryna get a hot dog
I'm tryna get a hot dog
After this show
(yes, this song is about a guy who works hard all week and just wants to get a hot dog after he goes out for the night. SO great. Oh and yes, it is ridiculous. Ridiculously awesome.)

Also, I will always love 'Getting Jiggy With It' and 'Miami" by Will Smith, back in his "rap" days. I loved his album when I was younger and recently listened to it all on the plane and I still know all the words. And almost HAVE to dance when I hear it. 
 
 
(as always, click on the photos to make them larger)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, today is my first day off of facebook! Yes, I do miss it already. It is insanely weird waking up and not seeing notifications. I also decided to start posting pictures on my blog posts cause I mean...I've gotta post them somewhere! So here they are :)

The first was before my young adults group at Jubilee Church (Yes, I'm butchering the name. I can't help it, I never read their sign, I just love their people). I started going to this young adults group because of my friend Jordan that I met in my sign language class ages ago:
Picture

 
 
I just can't seem to get out of bed but
My how I miss You.
Using the lies as sheets to cover my body and believe that
If I just rest here the hurt won't find me;
The stress won't come unless my feet touch the floor and so I 
Stay.

My how I miss You,
Even though you live inside me it feels as though I
Just can't raise my hands to You anymore.
I know You feel my heart sinking and the nagging urge I have to
Tie stones to it and let it hit the ocean floor
Descend down into the muck because I
Don't see an end in sight.

I know You'll catch me if I fall but
I wish I could stand and take Your hand.
Become the woman You've called me to be,
But I've lost my heart to a man who won't give me his own
And I'm breaking while my
Heart is sinking.
My how I miss You.
 
 
There's a vlog instead of a legit blog post, and I know that if you're on a "mobile device" ie iPod/iPhone that you can't see it, but it's worth going onto a real computer and checking out. Or not! But this WAS a really fun video to make :)