On the hunt for my journal everything becomes a jungle.
Desk, clothes, bed all fade to leaves 
Or shadows, hiding what I seek
So dearly.
I am a huntress searching passionately 
For a book some might call mere,
But I call precious.
Not because it holds my secrets,
But because it is one of the few things in my life that has
Combine that with my randomness, and you get to know this weird fact:

When I'm stressed, I look at odd stuff on the internet (GASP. no not porn, get your mind out of the gutter. go take a shower or something)
For instance, I spent a while on a website that sells only wall decals/pretty flippin cool wallpaper. and I saw this gem of a thing, and THEN I read the description which was just great. (you guys have figured out that you can click on the picture to make it bigger, si?)
I also take random screen captures. 1. the tab title made me laugh. 2. how are you supposed to clean such a thing!?!?!
Lastly, but not leastly I look at random baby stuff. My neighbor Amy has three girls (they're awesome, they have their pictures on my photography page) and when all of them were babies she used the Moby Wrap(its a cloth baby carrier that you wrap around your body.) She loved it, they loved it, I was fascinated by it. Had no clue how it worked. However, with my recent day of stressfulness I have now watched multiple youtube videos of how to tie it, and even decided which one I want! 
Yeah. I'm not pregnant. Or engaged. Or even currently attached to another human being. Nor do I see myself being any of these things...well. I don't want to say ever. However I'd love to be pregnant one day! And once I have my baby, I am so getting this thing! Yeah...I even know which one I want. They have so many options! And have you seen the TOMS shoes made for little ones!?!?! Come on! Doesn't it just want to make you start having babies? no? just me? Well that's cool then.

I promise one of these days to dive deep into my soul and write a blog not just about "me me me". And because I really have been failing to not write about just myself, here's a great poem:
I love PostSecret* (an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a postcard.) Enough that I have many that I can relate to or love, or just think are hilarious saved on my computer. It's such a bonding experience for me to sit down and share with someone about PostSecret that I did a presentation on it in college with slides covered in secrets. Some of these have struck a chord with me, some I agree with completely, and some just remind me of certain people. Secrets can't always be taken at face value...at least not for me anyways. 

A Gandalf voice is needed for this next statement: 
But in the name of transparency I give you these, and with them a glimpse into 'me'. 
(fake seriousness makes me giggle)

PS. If I happen to know you or you just happen to be reading this and looking at the pictures and are wondering "Hey, I wonder how she can relate to that one" Then...you should ask me about it. Cause I'd love to share/have a conversation with you!

PPS. Although I personally didn't write any of these, 4 of them may as well be mine, I hold them that close to my heart/can relate to them that well. Thought I'd share  :)

When I feel like I'm going to fail, I avoid. 
I avoid friendships when they're not going swimmingly,
I avoid practicing guitar because part of me expects perfection and I can never live up to it,
I avoid swimming because I don't have the same endurance as I used to,
and I avoid doing math homework because it reminds me of how much I do not understand, and how big I'm going to bomb the test that is in 3 hours. 

Lesson to be learned...
I have a 'new' group of friends who I am growing to love dearly. We have 'Epic Monday Nights' and we connect and we sit in a circle and sing Kumbaya  (ok that last one isn't true). They are just...great. They're actually my first group of friends who are not predominantly 'church friends' or 'high school friends'. Yes, a few of them are from church, but I only got to know them from Epic Monday Nights. Just wanted to clear that up before I felt like I was lying. With this new group of friends has come a freedom to be myself that is wonderful. Recently I was talking with one of my friends who also partakes in the funness (yeah. I made up my own word) about being transparent in the group and how we really feel called to be transparent in our friendships. I think that's great. In theory. But WOAH when it comes to applying it for certain things in my past and present, look out! Do you see that puff of smoke? Yeah, I left that in my wake as I sprinted toward the door. 

 I love transparency. I love being honest. But when it comes down to it, only a handful of people have ever made it to the inner-sanctum of my heart. There are just certain things that I do not talk about. And that is the sort of resoundingly true statement that I feel like I could get it carved into stone and carry it around with me, it is THAT true. Which maybe...isn't the best thing. 

The truth is...I share personal stuff, I uncover my heart. But just to surface level. Just in my comfort zone. And that's how it is with everyone. Ready for some for reals truth? 

I wouldn't rock a blatantly obvious Christian t-shirt at my college because I don't like how Christians are viewed, and I'd rather make my own impression than have one put on me. And I'm not that comfortable starting up a random conversation with random people about God. I'm just not there. But I would wear one to Walmart?

But I also wouldn't rock a t-shirt that said 'Not Gay But Supportive' to Epic Monday Night. But I would to Walmart.

And that was me being transparent. 

(I've wanted one of these shirts for SO long.)
I find that I figure stuff out about myself and my feelings in my dreams. Not all the time, certainly not in the dreams where everything is all weird and I'm being chased by a monkey (I've never actually had that dream...but I couldn't think of another example). Last night I hung out with a pretty large group of friends and ended up having a really good time, but in the beginning just felt very out of place, which 'Dream Erin' definitely held onto. In my dream last night/this morning I was back in the group and long story short, ended up throwing a hairbrush at a guy's...AHEM. During said throwing, I remember looking at his face and not feeling anything other than anger towards him. And this was one of my friends. After said throwing I turned to one of my friends and started sobbing in her arms. 

Normally in dreams, I am a very violent person. So just throwing something (and cussing at him) was very tame for me. However, I woke up still with so much anger and hurt towards the night that it really surprised me. Also, I had a very deep bite in my lip which for me, means that I had been clenching my jaw for most of the night. The dream plus the anger for a very real reason (and not because someone had stolen my baby giraffe) is really making me think this morning that...maybe I've got some feelings here that I've been trying to brush over. And you can do that for a long while, but I know personally that it will come out in real life. Especially with the addition of tears after the anger...I'm harboring some hurt feelings. 

Figuring out myself through my dreams is something I feel is a proactive way of exploring my own heart. So this personal reflection and dream study may seem odd to you, but it's a very real way for me to try and get to know myself a little better. Also, if I am this angry in a dream, it normally means that eventually it will come out in real life and I like to be prepared for that.

PS. I have a recurring dream about a baby giraffe that is coming to live with me. In past dreams I've gotten my whole backyard ready for it, only for it to be scared away by one of my friends being loud. I harbor slight resentment toward her for this reason. (hahaha)
My baby giraffe!
I haven't been doing a lot of writing as of late. For some reason when I'm inside my own head an obnoxious amount, I only write as a last resort. Which as someone who wants to write books, that really shouldn't be a habit I choose to keep around in my life. Whereas breathing, I'll keep breathing on the 'good habit' list. Inner turmoil is a frequent flyer these days. Mainly pertaining to friends, but also in the 'Dad' context. I label myself as an over-thinker (or maybe other people have and I've just admitted defeat and adopted it at their urging) and as such relationships are at the front and center at my mind most of the time. Old friends, new friends and in-between, they all have had thought devoted to them at one time or another. These days I am confronting myself with the very real complications of keeping friends, strengthening relationships, letting relationships do as they will, or dropping them all together. 

One example of a friendship that has been let 'do as it do' is mine and Cris to the Ten's friendship. [shout out yo! you're beast] and you know what...it made it. It made it through new friends and new loves, and moves and different countries! And that...well of course that's God. I didn't work at the friendship, but as friends we love each other, and we both know that. We know that we have multiple past times of walking to 7-11 and bonding behind us, and for some reason...we made it. We're still friends. Why am I typing all this? I feel like friendships take work. Maybe I just like being proactive, even though I can never stay proactive for too long. I pretty much just get really intense and then burn out like a firework. 

So I guess my food for thought [for me, not you guys. Get your own food for thought, go to Food Lion or Giant or something! greedy.] is: Should I let it be? And by 'it' clearly I mean a few of my friendships that are changing [for the good! and maybe not so good. but lets not call it that; let's call it 'different'].

Anyways at the end of the day...I love all my friends. Or else I wouldn't choose to call them friends. And they're all awesome...I think it's time for some photos! (For some reason I've started calling pictures 'photographias' in my head, with a full on Spanish voice and everything. It's odd. Ole!)