Kelle, the author of one of my favorite blogs 'Enjoying the Small Things' encouraged her reader's today:
"Make a mini bucket list--just this week. What are you going to cross off your list? Celebrate with me this Friday. Print off your list, hang it somewhere you'll see it, and cross things off with bright markers."

      So here's mine! 

1. Super try and own how you look, and love how you look, with or without make-up!
2. Pack up the things that you never wear, even if that means having to hide a ton of stuff around your room/under your bed/wherever you can fit it
3. Paint Jonathan a beautiful birdhouse that he can start saving his money in (pictures on this once it's done!)
4. Use watercolors out in nature, either on a front porch, or even on a rock while Jonathan fishes 5.
5. Talk to 2 different people in class for more than a few sentences. The teacher doesn't count for this one! Make sure to remember names. 
6. Wear fun earrings to school!
7. Try and wear contacts at least once, avoidance isn't the answer!

and because of number uno, I give you a picture I took recently, and quite enjoy even though I'm not wearing make-up!
I look tired, but I was happy, and that's what it's all about!
first thing I thought of when I read my own title! GASP! SCANDALOUS!
No no, I mean literally SLEEPING with someone.
I'm not talking about sex you silly. 
I'm talking about waking up in the middle of the night, scared out of your mind because if you're like me and have crazy dreams, it's something you do a good bit, and being able to look next to you and find comfort in the person buried underneath a pile of blankets. How a relationship changes when you can go back to sleep curled into their back and invading their pillow space. You realize it's changed when you don't even think before you warm your freezing toes against their bare skin and they don't flinch away. It's about waking up glad to see them, knowing that you both look equally terrible. 

Those are some of the reasons why I'm glad I don't do the whole "random sex" thing. I love the actual love that goes into just simply sleeping with someone. There's no shame, and there's no overt sexiness.
But there is definitely something that speaks deep down to my very feminine heart when I can go to sleep with my awesome someone knowing on every level, that I am safe and wanted. 
And that?
Well that's sexy. 
I want to lose weight.
(I hate feeling that so many women have typed the same thing, and they resisted hunger and felt bad about themselves. Because I would bet big money that these women were beautiful. So it definitely sucks that weight loss is such a big deal to the female heart.)

But I want to remain me.
I was trying to find a picture of how I want to look, but honestly, I'd just like to have a smaller belly. I want to still be fun old me, and fun old me does not stay fun when I starve. And that is why...I'm not going to starve! 
Genius, I know.
Here's a picture so you know who I want to still be at the end of all this:
[[silly random me. Because weight doesn't affect who I AM, just what I look like.]]
Really, I just want to cut down on this:
So how am I doing that? Well, I'm drinking these awesome-actually-nutritious-and-somehow-manage-to-taste-good-shakes. That I also plan on drinking in Canada (I'm gonna be there for 6 weeks this summer, starting in July, yay for French immersion!)
And exercise I'm still somewhat chill about.
Why you may ask?
Well I'll tell you!
In the past when I've gone all gung-ho about working out, it fizzles out, crashes and burns, then stops burning just to light itself on fire again. 
And then there's brownies.

So I'm exercising when I want, and just putting a little bit of pressure on myself to do it more, because I actually enjoy it. Mainly because it's just dancing with the wii. And walking (ok, that hasn't happened yet. But it will!)

--->But the point of all this! Well, I'm excited! And for once, not because it's some huge endeavor, but because my goal is actually attainable because I believe in myself!
I've been reading a ton of blogs lately, but one of my usual favorite haunts is Kelle Hampton's blog 'Enjoying The Small Things', and BOY is she inspiring. The joy that shines through her and her children is amazing. Her youngest daughter is Nella, and she has Down Syndrome, and although technically she is disabled, she is amazing. And not just for someone who has down syndrome, but for any little girl. 
It is so cool to watch these families and friends of families rally around these little people. And something that I've noticed...
they are so full of joy.

And it's made me think, because what we shoot for in America is the right car, the right marriage, the right house, the right kids. But look at us, we're super high in divorce rates, general unhappiness with our life, our job, and our kids. We struggle with weight because eating makes us happy (seriously. pasta = happiness).

But looking at these families, and especially this now blog that I found who features a family with a disabled child every friday (I think?), well their faces...
full of joy.
Shouting of joy!
And they are not perfect, in fact, they have to work harder then the rest of us, but they do and I think in that, in the fight, there is joy. I think when things aren't easy, and you have to fight for your child, and go out of your way to help her or him...
there is joy.

And maybe this post has made no sense, and maybe all I kept repeating was "joy!", but I'm inspired by these families and these awesome children and...that's all I have to say about that.

PS. The Blogs!
This Little Miggy Stayed Home  <--- Seriously. So great
Enjoying The Small Things  <--- Love love love
So, so much.
Yesterday I was reading super random blogs (one of my favorite past times, I love being allowed into people's thoughts and dreams, into their heart), and eventually last night became all about babies.
Maybe because being a mom is all I've ever wanted.
Maybe because if Jonathan and I get back together and survive, and decide to stay together, it will be a very long time before he is out of debt and we can get married and have kids.
Maybe it's because if we don't survive, that leaves me single, and dangit if I don't plan on being single for a looooooong time if that happens.

At the end of the day, the "kids" portion of my life was up in the air.
But then I was reading a woman's post about her birth story, and how she got to sit on a yoga ball, and walk around, and had a water birth, and then I saw it.
Me in labor.
And I knew it would happen.
I still don't know who it will be with. But that isn't for me to know right now.
Right now, today, as I type this, I am filled with so much hope! A hope and knowledge that is steadfast, that what I saw will happen.
You use to take my breath away.
Gave me butterflies just thinking about us being together,
Your love waiting for me at the end of a long highway.
You use to take my breath away,
Just thinking about our future.
Our love, and our love that we would share with our children.
Now you take my breath away,
Every time your face flashes into my memory,
I remember all the tickles, all the cuddles, all the love.
You take my breath away when I have to stop and cry,
And know that we won't make any new memories together. 
and lately it's become important for people to know that without me telling them. And without me forcing it. You know, super huge fake smile sort of deal.

But main point: I'm happy! And not the happiness that goes away after you finish your Chipote burrito, but actual joy. Joy in the small things. Joy in the big things.
Joy in the breathing that I get to do, all day, everyday.

At this point in my life I feel like even if things started going drastically off the path that I had hoped, it would still be okay. Things change so much that I have learned to float and drift and just go.
I'm learning to stop and breathe. 
To do what I want sometimes.
To go with the flow other times.
It can't be either or, often it's a happy mix of both. 

You know what's been on my mind lately and I just haven't been able to write about?
I don't take part in Christianity anymore. At all. I don't believe it anymore.
I was taught that if I didn't believe, I wouldn't go to heaven.
But I've finally come to peace that I'd rather live how I see right on earth, and if that means I don't "go to heaven" then at least I'll have lived a life I can believe in, with all my heart.
Honestly, I don't believe in the Christian version of heaven.
I believe in a place full of love, because that's what I think God would have wanted for us.

And He's God, so it just makes sense. I think if you were terrible, and your heart was empty and you hurt little children, then you'll get what you deserve. Maybe you'll just be left living inside the terrible heart that beat inside you when you were alive.
Who knows.

I pray though. At first I didn't, but it's not something that I can stop doing, at least not consciously. I still talk to God in the car, or when I'm worried. And I still feel Him, I don't feel like I'm talking to myself.
I feel created.
I like the idea of meditation, so I'm going to look into it.
I still love some worship songs, but I'm not willing to go to a church, at all.
Although I respect it. If it makes you a better person, and more loving, then heck yes, go to church. If it makes you stressed, sad, or worry about who will or won't hang out with you at said church...that's kinda messed up.

More to come on all this.
But it definitely felt good to get that little bit out.
What if you're really into something, a certain way to express yourself, and your guy or girl isn't?
What if they won't have any part in it?
Is it just a too bad for them, because they're missing out on a great part of you,
Or is it too bad for you, because it says something about your relationship, and your partner's feelings, when they're not willing to get to know you better?
What if you write poems and he plays in a metal band, and you'll go and see him play but he won't read your poems?

What does THAT say?
Well not this year anyways. SO MANY of the kids I graduated with/are my age just graduated this past week, and I'm not going to lie, I feel left out. I'm not in the sea of green this year.
And I won't be this time next year either (at least I don't think so). I'm one of those kids who do odd summer courses so my semesters are all weird. 
And I didn't go to a 4 year college. I went to a community college, got my Associates degree, and then transfered to a 4 year college to get my Bachelors. And even though it should've taken the same amount of time, it didn't. 
But you might be wondering what the point of this post is.
I value my time at my community college.
My adviser in high school, when him and I sat down and talked about my choice to go to community college instead of jumping right into the university, really rings true in my ears today
"When it comes to school, it's the end of the race that counts"

It's not about how long it takes, or if you didn't go to some fancy private college. At the end of the day, it's about your degree. It's about how you finish.

And I will finish next summer with the knowledge that I gained at my community college, after changing majors many times. I've learned all about children and the different ways they learn when I was learning how to be a teacher for children with autism. I've learned how to roll someone onto a back board and strap them down when I was training to become an EMT. I learned how to be quiet, and how to speak up. I learned that some times no one will give a shit if you don't, so you better. 
we all knew this. But I think sometimes I'm going to start listing specific examples of weirdness.
I'm weird/crazy.
Who knows.

#1. Because Etsy is addicting has gorgeous things, and because DAMMIT I will get married one day, I've picked out/made a list of:

Engagement Rings!

Everyone deserves pretty things guys! It's like window shopping! It's not weird! 
Ok. It's weird. Whatever :)

[and ohhhh yes, 'Engagement Rings!' is a link to my legit list, just in case you want to get that stalkery]
[seriously. go for it. there's gorgeous rings out there!]

Maybe I'll just propose to myself.