These are my new favorite words that I learned in American Sign Language today. Well technically I was supposed to be studying for my test tomorrow...but I tend to always get sidetracked by random words. Although Africa may or may not be on the test. We'll have to see!

I'm going into ASL 4 in a few weeks [God willing I pass this class] and that hasn't really been a big deal in my mind, until today. Today I registered for my last semester of classes at community college, finishing up a 2ish year ordeal that is NOVA. But thats not the point. The point is...there is no ASL 5. There is a random 6, but that was just some odd one. Point being, I should be able to sign fluently...sorta now-ish. And let's face it, I can't. Most days I feel like I don't even have the attention span for it [which if you've ever seen me have a discussion, or read, or really just apply myself at anything, you know is complete crap. i have a great attention span]. Just...not for this?

ASL is one of those walls in my life. You know the type, we all have them. They look like these big brick walls. Some of us take sledge hammers to them and demolish them into a thing of the past. Some of us try to walk around them and avoid them all together [like those people who say that they don't need to learn how to type. come on. you're fooling yourself]. But this wall.....well, I'm not doing anything to it or even trying to go around it. I've been standing in front of it, actively ignoring it. Or at least trying to. Which is completely stupid. I need to pass these classes to graduate; yes. More importantly:

A long time ago, God told me that I would be adopting a deaf boy as my son. And I remember being completely down for it, I had always enjoyed sign language and even at a young age knew I would adopt kids once I grew up. But now it's time for me to take a major step in this direction and actually commit and learn sign language. And what am I doing? Ignoring it. And that my stupid.

Yup. It sure freakin is. [so if that upsets you, and you need to go cry in a corner for a little while, go ahead. I completely understand]

Anywho! For those of you that don't know, I'm an awkward hugger. Heck, normally I just don't even do it. I don't initiate hugs and I give off no body language signals [or morse code or whatever] that implies that I want a hug. It's just not my thing. [thats a lie. you'll see why later]

Growing up, I loved hugs. Great big bear hugs; I gave them to everybody. The more the merrier! 
Things changed. Have you ever been rejected for a hug? I have. Then my mind ran with it, and it became an insecurity. 
~~~You might be wondering why I'm even talking about this~~~
Well you see...I just want you people out there to know [the people reading this, who have no qualms over hugging] how lucky you are. Maybe luck is the wrong word. Feel free to fill in the appropriate one in your head. 

Also, I just wanted to get these thoughts out. Tonight I was asked why I hug sideways, even in a forward hug. I had no clue that I did such a thing. [hence the term 'awkward hugger'] Then I realized it's because I'm quite scared of bumping heads. Thus increasing my awkwardness! And all of this adds up to.......
woah! I need to get rid of this insecurity! It's crazy!

At the end of the day, I secretly love hugs. I wish they were longer and I think its stupid that its awkward if you give a 'long hug'. I think we all feel the need to be close to someone. Yes, a boyfriend/girlfriend/blah blah blah/ but also to your friends. to your family. I could go into a rant here about long and short hugs, and what the seem to 'mean'. But thats a little crazy cat ladyish/starved for physical attention-y of me. So I won't. But you all know what I mean! [hahaha]