[wow I've been talking/thinking about that a lot lately]

The Holy Spirit always leads me back to the basics when I'm at a complete and utter loss of what to do and how to feel, and especially now that my heart is hurting so much.
Tonight the basics that are especially hitting home are forgiveness and love. Forgive because He first forgave us and love each other as we love ourselves.
Through those this thought has occurred and grown in my mind: maybe I keep having the same fight over the same thing and I keep having more and more trouble forgiving over the same thing and hurting more and more each time because I never truly forgave in the first place. 
I've been saying "I forgive you" or even "there's nothing to forgive" but the truth is...I'm hurt.
Things have changed.
A line was crossed and the things that are unsaid are making a gap that is growing wide.

And here I am, still learning how to forgive when I thought I had accomplished it a long time ago. 
I've been listening to a lot of Christine Caine lately; she's an amazing speaker who has been through so much and is a modern day abolitionist (youtube videos and links at the bottom) and I've just been thinking about a ton of stuff that she's talked about/that's been awakened inside of me. I'm learning to find my identity in who God is and what He did for me. He died for me. He loves me THAT much. I've come to realize that I silently accept what people say about me and the value that they give me without question. I accept so many things lying down, and I don't say most of what I feel.
I'll give you some examples:

but that's alright because I like the way it hurts."

I burn bridges

And I'm torn. For part of me that is an admittance, a fault of mine. For the other half it's a statement, almost inevitable at times. 

In my world, at least the part I can somewhat control, it is what happens in certain situations after forgiveness, or at least a truce; it is a strong decision on my part to deter myself from them. I've found that although this makes a lot of sense to me, to others it does not. There have been times in my life when friends have become not friends, and I do not wish to have them in my life anymore. 
I think that's fair.

that sometimes I'm most thankful for:
+the friends who are excited to give you your birthday present
+the mom who Clorox's the phone immediately after you hang up [because you're so sick]
+the cat who falls asleep while waiting for you outside your bathroom door while you take a shower
+the other cat who falls asleep in the random box and starts purring as soon as you pet him
+the dog who has gone deaf but is beastly at understanding sign language
+friends who will text whole conversations and help you work through stuff
+always having coke in the house
+the God who is so big but continues to love YOU. and me. and them.
+Christians in Egypt protecting Muslims as they pray
+friends who want to get Skype cause they miss your face
+friends who aren't excited about their birthday but are excited for yours
+all green lights
+$1 Snoopy socks at Target
+free martial arts/self-defense class every Sunday at church
+Christian employers 
+ginger kids, big and small
+praying and knowing God hears and cares
+babies growing big and strong*
+far away best friend being close in your heart
+Troy Polamalu's hair

*I'm going to be a nanny for twins who are due in March, and they're doing really good!
I've been reminiscing the last few days, or more like remembering, I feel like 'reminiscing' gives the impression of fond memories. I went to the same school from 2nd to 12th grade, and participated in gym class every year. Before and after school care were both head in the gym as well, and also lunch and really any free period you could normally escape to the gym. During free periods you were supposed to be helping a teacher grade papers or make copies or do some sort of busy work, but a lot of kids just hung out in the gym and had the gym teacher sign off that they were helping. Or if they saw our assistant principal (Mr. Cross, for those of you who know what I'm talking about) coming they would slip out a side door until he was gone. Clearly we were good kids.