It's how I feel.
Maybe this is how people that aren't "Christians" feel. Maybe not.

I was going to start a prayer journal* for my future partner. I think it's super sweet, and super needed [the prayer part, not the journal part]. But currently I feel like I have no right even praying for someone. I'm going through stuff that's unconventional for Christians to admit going through. Basically:
-I have a crush on the wrong person. 
-I plan on acting on that crush should they return the same feelings.

[The unconventional part isn't the crush, it's the admitting and acting on it, if you were wondering.]

I give in to the temptation
In hopes that it will silence the racing thoughts
The up late for no reason nights
The tired before the day even starts mornings. 

I get tired of listening to other people
They seem to say less and less but talk more and more,
And if the meaningless words and feelingless statements all ran together,
All I would hear everyday would be gibberish. 
I love doing these sort of posts, but I believe that if you do them too much, they become stupid. But the last one was in December! Things have changed, I promise! [or maybe they haven't, but no matter what I feel like writing, but not being too deep. So here we are.]
Things I'd like to say to/ask people: 

1. The song 'Almost Lover' (by A Fine Frenzy) always reminds me of you. Which sounds weird, but really I just remember it because I know it's your favorite song of theirs. Mine is 'Ashes & Wine'...just so you know.
2. I want to know why you wrote a hate letter to your sister...maybe I'm nosy. Maybe I just always want to know stuff, to hear someone's story. I'm glad it turned into a letter of forgiveness.
3. Hey friend brother. I love you so much dude. You make me feel more loved than your significant other...and sometimes thats messed up. I'm pretty sure we just speak each other's love language. [what up for chill hang out time!]
4. I like you. And I really want you to like me too, even though it would mess up my life. I'm ready to take that leap.
5. I feel like maybe I feel judgement from you because our friendship is so important to both of us, and something is trying to make doubt come between us. I don't want to lose you.
6. Sometimes I wish I COULD just come live down there. Right now though, I see it as an escape, and I just never feel called to run away from things. Sad face. I do truly miss you though!
7. We're not really speaking. How much will my life fall apart without you this time? 
8. Yes my sunshine, you have two on here. Whenever I hear the song 'Today' by Joshua Radin I think of you and our friendship and I smile on the inside. We're awesome together.
confused. At this point I don't even know what I'd want to hear on the subject. I guess...I just want to express how I feel, because to me it's the 1st step in getting all these thoughts bombarding my mind straightened out. And as so often is the case, I'd like to use lyrics to explain. I feel like I have to choose between:

I finally submitted the one college application I needed to get in. The essay was lame, but I ended up enjoying it and even realized some stuff about myself that I had never really paid attention to before. 

Turns out, I miss the youth group. I didn't always enjoy it when I was there, and I told myself it was mainly because I didn't really agree with what the pastor was preaching. However, once I sat down and thought about it, sure, I wasn't a fan of her approach. I don't like the idea of feeding kids the same idea week after week, that they need to 'have an impact on their school and their friends', only because I remember getting the same sermons and I feel like it skips over a lot of what kids actually need to hear. 

If you're wondering if I miss you, 
I do.
If you're wondering if I still care,
I never stopped.
If you're wondering if I forgave you,
I was never angry.
And if you're wondering if I want you in my life,
I won't settle for anything but forever. 

Sometimes I write random stuff/poems/ramblings for absolutely no reason or person. This is for a mash up of people. Also, I really like repeating verses, but I'm still working on making them sound good and not too repetitive...
Random side note: I'm really looking forward to writing my wedding vows. In a non-creepy crazy cat lady way. 
God has shown me how good He is. A friendship crisis averted [or really just me feeling hurt averted] and now...well, I feel awesome. I'm about to start creating some new art and trying some new stuff! And I'm wondering:

Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.
[[This is a writing prompt from December and Reverb10 that I really struggled with. But things are changing, and I want to give this another shot]]

I feel intensely. Sometimes it gets in the way, but I wouldn't have it any other way. When I care, I CARE. When I love, I love. I love to the fullest I can, same when I trust. I can be extremely gentle; I love drawing out quiet people and encouraging them to laugh and share in a group of people. I'm in love with color and with life, and that shines through me. I love that I make people smile just be being me, no real pressure to make them laugh. I remember, that's something that I've come to vastly appreciate and see as very important in my life. Remembering is so important to me, I love being able to ask people specifics about their life and things that they are going through and have them respond immensely well. It's a tangible way for me to show I care.

Life fascinates me. Sharing with people, that heart to heart connection makes me feel so close to God that it's amazing. I feel like my spirit dances to the joy I find in music, people, life, animals, love, color, and God and that is what makes me beautiful. 
I give to you.

Last night and today I've had a steady feeling of peace growing inside of me. Although I do not have confidence in the friendship I may be losing soon, I have confidence that first and foremost that God is BEYOND good. Seriously, I don't know how I function without walking in that knowledge. Secondly, He has given me awesome friends! So even if this friendship has to stop for a season, it'll be ok. Knowing God and how He IS love and inspires so much love in us, we'll come out of it loving each other more and heck, BETTER. 

and relationships are difficult. 

I'm at a point with one of them where I feel like we're on a roller-coaster, and it's speeding up and I'm the only one who knows that the track is broken and we're going to derail right before the end of the ride.
And they have no idea.
And for some reason I can't bring myself to tell.
My voice is gone and so I wait for the drop off.