I've recently wondered if I like all the wrong people...and in the past, I definitely have. But my two most serious 'like's (really, the only 2) were actually good choices. Good moral character...liked girls. Loved God.
And along those same lines it occurred to me that sometimes it really is other people that are the ones liking the wrong people.
Just my random thought for the day.

Today was such a great day at church, I went to my old church(cool place, my first real church home), because I needed to catch a ride with one of my friends who attends regularly, so it was just easier to go to that church this Sunday. And wow it was such a blessing. In fact, here are my sermon notes:

I like him not.
This has been what I've sworn to friends, family, churchgoers, and just generally nosy people for the past...2 years?
And I've learned many a thing from that path, one major thing being that you can't get rid of feelings by sheer stubbornness. Which I thought was a legit plan, because it's how I do a lot of stuff in my life. Get through classes, papers, and hard times. 
I've finally learned and am coming to accept that I don't have to be embarrassed over liking someone, heck, I have good taste! 
Going down that path of complete ignorance of my own feelings never really helped me deal with said feelings, but I've gotta say...I'm finally on that path, and I only KNOW that I'm on that path because I can recognize the very beginning of it.
I'm at that part where you're making sure that you have everything you need for your trek, and that you're not going to lose your car keys somewhere on the trail ahead of you. I've definitely already seen glimpses of the trail ahead, but I need to not rush and really learn this path because quite frankly...I don't want to wait so long next time to walk down it.

ps. TMI? sorry! hehehe
ever just weird you out? Mainly identical twins, there's always  a moment where I wonder what it would be like to look into someone's eyes and know that they look exactly like you. When I was younger I was so disappointed that I looked just like my dad, because that meant that I was not adopted and somehow separated at birth from MY own identical twin. They weren't out there, with the same black eyes and tan skin, wondering in the world I was. It was a sad day for a five year old. 

I've always wanted to have twins. I think they're amazing, and no, not just because they look cool. Mainly because they have the tightest bond when it comes to siblings. Really I just love the siblings, or more like, the idea of siblings. Of having someone (or multiple someones) that will be there for you, and have gone through the same sort of childhood...that's some amazing stuff. The epitome of an old friend is a sister or brother.

I bet if he could be healed and loved...
he would've chosen THAT, no second thoughts needed.

It's been a crazy weekend of backsliding and almost making very permanent dangerous life decisions. And with the no one on one time, I've got no one to talk to. It's weird. It's like God is forcing me to talk to Him cause I've got no one else. Which is interesting...

And it's not even over yet.
We have a ceramic Mrs. Claus that gets broken every year, and I have no idea how. Normally I take her out of the box, she looks fine, and then crumbles in my hands. This year, I didn't even want to take her out of the box and set her on top of our china cabinet,but my mom insisted. And I'm wondering...
how broken is too broken?
When should we give up and just accept our brokenness? 

I feel very much like Humpty Dumpty these days, lying smashed on the ground. I was never aware before how very much I am a scrambled egg with just pieces of the shell mixed in. That sounds super gross. But really I do wonder, if Humpty Dumpty was lying there, after falling off the wall, and he became very self aware, aware that he was smashed, he was done and he saw all the king's horses racing toward him, would he even have cared if he got run over or stomped on by a few hooves? 
I think at that point, he would've just accepted it.

And I don't mean any of these in an 'emo' way, really I don't. I look at it much as Humpty Dumpty must've looked at it...as fact. Once you fall, you come to a certain point where you accept that you've fallen. 
When it comes down to it...it's the simple things I miss about my friends. Here's a list, just for my loves:
-I miss sitting at your kitchen table and watching you come down stairs in the morning. You have always been my most graceful friend, and that combined with just the "wow, we're really together, even if it is just for a week" always gets me
-Your smile lights up a room, and when you see me you smile just for me, and I will ALWAYS wish we could be the best of friends who live within...heck, just in the same state.
-I don't care how much we disagree and take weeks to email back, you make me feel small and safe when we hug and that means the world to me
-I miss your never-ending stories, which when the end comes have no point. That used to confuse me, but now I get it...it's like life really, sometimes you just want to share without having an official 'end'. (That's you dear Kevin, that's you)
-I miss seeing YOUR smile too, my friend who is far away but so very near. I feel like maybe you don't do a lot of smiling anymore, and I would do anything to fix that.
-You make me a better person because you're never scared to say anything to my face. And I love that I know I'll be one of your bridesmaids even after what happened with your brother. That always astounds me.
-I miss you and I've never met you, and today I miss you bunches. It's weird to think that you'd be taller than me by now.
-Dude we haven't talked in ages, and even though our friendship blew up, I still think you are a part of my future. Distant future I'm guessing, seeing as how you live in a different country. But you and I...we were good together. We made great friends.
[Read this book. It's amazing. But really only the picture on the cover has anything to do with what I'm going to write about.]

For the past few weeks, I've greatly related to the boy on this cover. This is basically the exact image I have in my head when people ask me how I feel, or my best friend asks me how I'm doing today. It's been a whirlwind of feeling like I'm a chore for my friends, feeling like my closest friends must think I'm hideous on the inside, and trying to figure out what exactly needy is and how not to be it. 
I've freaked out, been sad, been angry, been 'all whatever' about it, and now...I'm ok. I'm dealing with it. I don't exactly feel like everything has been stripped away, because I have still stayed in contact with one of my best friends and I'm still smiling. That took a while, but it's happening. I feel like I'm relearning myself, which is truly wonderful in theory, and absolutely needed in life. I am very much a 'solve it right now!' sort of person, but when it comes to this, there is no quick answer.

"There's only one thing two do three words four you.
i love you."
Hearing that song still makes me smile, we all have one or more of those songs that we applied to a person when you weren't just you, you were a 'they'. A couple. 
So cute!

I was thinking about couple-y things today and about nature, and both of those things led me to how some guys do not like to get flowers for their gal, and some girls don't even like to get flowers. Guys think they're stupid, or...pointless? Or maybe they think that they'd rather write her a song and sing it to her? That's cool. We'll take that  ;)
Girls think...that they die, so it's sort of sad? I don't know, I'm sure these girls and guys have very legitimate reasons, that I completely respect. 
--->I like flowers. Just sayin.
However it occured to me! You know what would also be cool? To give someone a picture, that you took that day, and say "Hey, I saw this beautiful thing, and it made me think of you". I know if my guy did that, wow oh wow.

"A picture's worth a thousand words, and baby, you said it right!"

And this idea, is completely possible, completely doable. It involves...what? Going out of your way to look for something beautiful, something you know they'd enjoy. A stop to walmart, cvs, anyplace with a printer? Or heck, email it and print it out at home. 
I can tell you one thing...she'll keep it longer than flowers. (Or maybe I'm just weird and love photos. but still!)
---> In my mind I read the poem in Luna Lovegood's voice. I really relate to her :) [Harry Potter geek moment!]
      On Wednesday I'm bringing this poem to my creative writing class to have them tell me if it makes sense, and to just tear it apart. I'm going to coach them before I read it to them/hand them their copy to make sure that they really dig into it. I think I'm the person there who most wants criticism. And I'm glad, cause I can only handle one weirdo per class. hehehehe. 
This is my poem called 'Blue Line' although I've also toyed with the idea of calling it 'Franconia-Springfield' (random info, but true!), it's a revised poem that I put on this blog ages ago.

So...let me know what you think!
Have you ever told someone that you're done with something, even when you've only just begun, but you're pretty sure you can finish before they need it?
Here's hoping I can :)

And a poem, dedicated to the 'Spaces' on my Mac. You are lovely, now that I know how you work. 
And so this is what it feels like
To watch your heart fly away
Tied to the leg of a carrier pigeon.
I couldn’t want it back more
As it is my stomach is twisting
Lungs contracting
My body misses my heart already.
I’ve foolishly shared it with you
And now it hangs in suspense
Waiting to be rejected,
Forgotten once again.

So begins the battle of keeping it together
All my shattered pieces
Most of them aching to be free
To separate from the rest
Tears fall and I just can’t stay awake anymore.
I’m sorry my love
Please don’t hate me for choosing to just…
Float away.