single and...accepting it?

It has taken me a long time to come to grips with a lot of things in my life. For the longest time I wanted a family and a love of my life so bad, but the guy part just wasn't happening. I felt shallow and stupid for letting it tear me down so much, being so heartbroken over something that I deemed unworthy of such a reaction from myself. I always heard I was young and it's all about God's timing anyway; both things being true. 

I've grown though. It feels like I've grown into my heart and accepted it for being easily hurt and sensitive, and I've found that I'm okay with that. I've learned to factor it in, that factoring it out doesn't work, and that letting it feel is the first step to working through things. 

The other day I was thinking about my future husband, I call him my "man after God's own heart", and I've called him that since...goodness, middle school I guess. That and "boyfriend", and I have no idea when that one started. I was thinking how he wasn't the guy I had been infatuated with for a long while. It's not him. That's been clear for a very long time, and although we share a love, that love is friendship and I've realized that I wouldn't have it any other way. 

During one of the phases of getting over this guy and learning to love our friendship, it was almost like going through mourning. I was deeply sad that this guy who knew me so well didn't want me, and that hurt intensely. My heart was at the point of asking "if not him, who?" and the answer seemed very unpromising. After the mourning came acceptance and...other stages that I don't know enough about to name. So!

I was driving home two days ago and talking to God and just having a moment with Him about my future guy and was really thinking about that quote. He (God) has taken away this idea I had of my guy friend and replaced it with something better, something I don't even know. It has become so real in my heart what Jeremiah 29:11, that God's plan for me, in this area (and in all other areas) are plans for hope and a future. I've become joyful over this verse, and it's gone from a verse to something else. A promise of an active God into the life of His daughter. Beyond believable, something to bet on, something to know as true. Holding that close to my heart and then factoring in my future husband, the man God has made for me...well it was intoxicating. I know that when I get married, I'll be able to say that we're blessed. 

And so lately praying for him has become second nature, and I've started mentally taking his hand, knowing that we're doing this life together, although we're separated right now. I'm aware that sounds super odd, but it's true. I know one day I'll give him the prayer journal that I'm writing in for his wedding present and I'll remember this day/this feeling. 


That'll be cool.