I just changed my 'About Me' section of this blog!
It's super scandalous.
And sexy.
If by both of those things you mean:
Has links to other blogs I enjoy and my Tumblr.
As well as a cool picture of words that I love.


Basically?
It's super steamy.
 
 
my book.
I decided long ago what it would consist of:
letters.

To everyone. To everything. To God. To life. To myself.
And no, there is no list of who is first, whose is longest, and whose simply comprises of a precise sketch of the middle finger; I simply try to write them on the same day as they come to me.
Of course I've already failed.
------>Glad to have gotten that out of the way.
But I have managed to write two days in a row.

Here's a snippet: 

You encouraged me to write, and I thank you for that.
You taught me how to turn touching someone's hand into something marvelous, and I thank you for that too.
But mostly I thank you for staying gone.
 
 
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At least that's what they lyrics are to a song I used to adore in high school.

Here I am, at age 22, and I'm advising someone on how to not have drama in their friendships. 

How did I get here and when did I arrive!?!
This is craziness, but don't worry, I can't let it go to my head because I have had so much drama in so many friendships/relationships that it's about time I actually learned something from it. 

So my view on all this, if you're wondering is:
Well. As a girl I happen to know that we all talk. Maybe it's gossip, maybe it's not. Maybe it's harmless sharing about how much we love our other friends. Or how we're concerned for them. Or how it's amazing how intense their farts are, and how maybe we could all chip in for gas masks for the group ;)

Either way, we may or may not cluck like hens. (Unless that's an offensive term, then WE DO NOT CLUCK and WE ARE NOT POULTRY). But taking into account all the talking that we do, I find that rules are good. For example, if Veronica and I talk about how much we love Stephanie, and later on I meet with Stephanie, I find that it's okay to tell her what we said. 
If we were talking about how Stephanie shaved her head and looks like Brittany Spears, and then I hang out with Stephanie and tell her about it? Well that's not cool. Now if I want to say that her hair makes her look like she's on crack, that's fine. But bring another friend into it?
Wrongo. 
My main thing is to never bring in an outside person unless you've previously agreed on it. Veronica is one of my best friends, so yes, I do talk to her a ton. I vent. This can't be helped. I know a lot of girls who say "oh, just don't talk bad about fill in the blank" And that's great. 
For them.
Cause I certainly can't do it. 

I am more likely to say nice things, because honestly, and here's my second piece of advice:
I've chosen my friends.
So should you.
If your friends don't act like they consider you as a friend, it's time to get rid of them or talk to them about it. 
I've heard one of my friends say often how one of his guy friends treats him like crap. And to me, you know what that sounds like?
Not a friend.
In fact, not even a person I would talk to, go out of my way to hang out with, or even associate myself with. 

Friends really do affect you. Friends who inspire negative feelings in your heart, you should really consider if they are in fact your friend.
Even if they make you feel good, maybe they are not good for you.
How do you know?
Ask those around you. 

Fun guidelines! 
If you are more likely to:
a. snort something
b. inject something
c. steal something
d. drive drunk
e. throw up
f. get arrested
g. not act like yourself/not be true to yourself
h. lie
when you are with them, they are bad for you.
Just sayin. 
My 2 cents!

 
 
The last time I said that to a significant other, it was because I felt it.

Now when I say it to Jonathan, it's because I feel it.
And I choose to love him.
And I choose to make my words and actions and facial expressions and judgements reflect that I love him. (I mess up a lot with this)
I forgive him because I love him. (I'm forgiven because he loves me)
And for once in a relationship (even though this is only my second one),
I am not scared that he will leave.
Why?
Because he loves me.
And he is committed to loving me.

We both agree that it is easier to leave, and harder to stay.
And we both want to stay, and face the hardship and sometimes the yelling, and the hang-ups, and the "I'm sorry"s and the stupid things the other says and does.
And a lot of time it's really difficult.
And a lot of the time it's really easy.
Because I love him.
 
 
let's you know you're alive and human. 

Something that has been prevalent recently has been joy and heartache walking hand in hand down the road of my life. When my heart hurts, I comfort myself, with things like "he's in a better place with people who can love him and give him awesome food" (pertaining to a baby chick I was taking care of), but that doesn't stop me missing having him in my lap and feeling his heartbeat in my hand.
So sometimes I cry.
And today I made an early trip home so I could squeeze and love on my cats and hear them purr.

And at the end of the day, which is right now, with the almost spring air coming through my open window and my heart squeezing and aching with the missing of my chick, I know that I am human. As a human, I hurt. As a human, I feel joy. These two things are always intertwined, because if you didn't have love for the chick, it wouldn't hurt to see him go.
Dancing brings me joy and makes me feel freshly alive, as if in the turns and sways to the beat, my skin turns over a new leaf and my lungs breathe in for the first time. And although I would much rather dance, in my heartache I feel alive, yes, and connected by love to not just animals, but the earth and to God/the universe/to my Maker, who has cared about the baby chicks since the very first egg.

And that brings me comfort.
 
 
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The truth is, that I'm not willing to settle for an adventure-less life. I want my marriage to not be settling, and because of this I believe in being truly and absolutely who I am in my relationship. I'm open about my passion for going to Africa and just finding some people to love and then loving on them.
And yes I know, that doesn't sound like a plan, but really it's a great amazing plan that we should all have. It's my plan for having kids: One day I'm gonna have babies, and I'm going to love them with all my heart and I'm going to teach them to love life with all their hearts.

In a year or so I'll be graduating with a bachelor's degree. And so far I plan on starting my Masters degree online while getting a "real job" (gasp! My first real one, not with minimum wage!). And the plan goes that I want to move, almost immediately. 
ie
my first job after college, is not around here.
I'm getting out of here.
And yes I know some of you will be all GASP, but I plan on bringing Jonathan along for the ride.
If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out, but I'm not going to stay here and hope that adventure finds me. 
I'm going to jump and hope that he jumps too.
And no, I don't want to have a relationship where I lead, and most of the time I don't (some people think that I wear the pants, but really, my guy is just quiet in front of other people). But my Jonathan hasn't had adventures of traveling like I have (Yay for Belgium and Texas and Puerto Rico and going to Canada this summer!) but I know (hope) that if I introduce him to it, he'll love it. He says he wishes he could travel like I do, and I believe him when he says it.

 
 
I feel like I've lost myself. That Jonathan and I have arrived at the very same place I've been before. That feeling of complete 'lost'ness. Like you've fallen in a hole and you simultaneously blame the other person and are extremely sad that they can't seem to get you out of it. And of course at the same time you feel as though you're damaging your relationship and the other person. And it's 

all.
your.
fault.

(as always)

But you know what? Because I've been here before, I know what it is! 
Hurrah!
We have become codependent and I've lost myself and my own personal expression
BOOM  SON. 
Guess how you fix it?

Well for me, more time alone.
More more more.
More time with music.
And definitely, 
DEFINITELY
more time creating. And when I say 'more' I mean more than zero, which is how much time I've been spending being creative lately. And you'd think that because a lack of creativity is classic erin kryptonite which is quite well known to me, that I'd plan out a time to be creative and thusly not fall down a scary rabbit hole inside of my own head on a daily basis. But alas! I've always felt that creativity cannot be planned, which...well I just don't know about. But today begins a time of planned creativity. Planned color and music and alone time. 

And maybe I'll call it 'Spontaneous Art' and then I'll schedule it everyday. So it will be spontaneous and scheduled which seem to cross each other out but still sound intriguing to my ear which is quite perfect, if I do say so myself.
And I do!

 
 

Pet Peeve: people telling me that I'm not good at texting back.

Why I hate it?
1. It isn't true.
2. That's their opinion. Which is wrong.
3. I text back eventually, which is different than MANY PEOPLE that I know.

If I literally never text you back, then SURE,
by all means
tell me I suck at texting back.
But let's be real here.
I will respond. I do respond. Most likely, I just don't respond when you want me to, with a level of quickness which you would appreciate.

People who suck at texting back are in fact people who 
don't.
text.
back.
ever.

Maybe you don't have people in your life who do this. But I have people who haven't responded to a question I asked them 2 weeks ago. I have one person who hasn't responded for 3 months. 
So when I haven't gotten back to you in 2 weeks, then talk to me, ok?
Ok :)
 

Inspired

02/29/2012

0 Comments

 
I’ve been inspired to write about friendships because really, they effect (affect?) (ah-fekt?) everything about my life. The friendships I have at Mason show themselves in small amounts, such as sitting on a bench outside of class and sharing with each other how fed up you are with the teacher. Having a girl call you over because she knows she can talk to you and you’ll explain the assignment as best you can. Maybe these are acquaintances. Maybe acquaintances are just whispers of friendship. Friendships are just...mad important. I’ve realized that I’m so in love with Jonathan because he is my best friend. I fight with him like we’re friends, I gossip with him, I share with him, and I joke with him just like friends. If we weren’t friends, we wouldn’t have a relationship worth working on with as much love, acceptance, and sheer stubbornness as we do.

If I don’t spend time talking with a friend and connecting, I notice my life changes. The sky is always as blue, but I don’t feel like reaching up and twining my fingers in the clouds with as much passion. My relationships suffer and my passions dim just a bit. I miss the jokes and the laughter, and the sheer realness that friendships are. And please understand me, I find the rays of sunshine from friends shining out of my parents in a shared joke, out of my Jonathan when we walk into a conveniece store and automatically no where the other is going and where we’ll meet again, and even in my animals when we haven’t seen each other for a while, and the joy that both of us share when we do get to spend some time together [and ears are ruffled and scratched and faces are licked].
 

...

02/28/2012

0 Comments

 
I cry a lot these days. Randomly, and for no reason. And most of the time I think something is wrong with me.

But sometimes, I wonder if I'm just crying for someone else in the world who can't cry right now. Maybe we're all so connected that years ago when I was so hurt that I couldn't cry because I knew I wouldn't stop, there was someone across the world who randomly started crying-for me.