Breath

05/14/2012

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You use to take my breath away.
Gave me butterflies just thinking about us being together,
Your love waiting for me at the end of a long highway.
You use to take my breath away,
Just thinking about our future.
Our love, and our love that we would share with our children.
Now you take my breath away,
Every time your face flashes into my memory,
I remember all the tickles, all the cuddles, all the love.
You take my breath away when I have to stop and cry,
And know that we won't make any new memories together. 
 
 
and lately it's become important for people to know that without me telling them. And without me forcing it. You know, super huge fake smile sort of deal.

But main point: I'm happy! And not the happiness that goes away after you finish your Chipote burrito, but actual joy. Joy in the small things. Joy in the big things.
Joy in the breathing that I get to do, all day, everyday.
24-7,365!

At this point in my life I feel like even if things started going drastically off the path that I had hoped, it would still be okay. Things change so much that I have learned to float and drift and just go.
I'm learning to stop and breathe. 
To do what I want sometimes.
To go with the flow other times.
It can't be either or, often it's a happy mix of both. 

You know what's been on my mind lately and I just haven't been able to write about?
I don't take part in Christianity anymore. At all. I don't believe it anymore.
I was taught that if I didn't believe, I wouldn't go to heaven.
But I've finally come to peace that I'd rather live how I see right on earth, and if that means I don't "go to heaven" then at least I'll have lived a life I can believe in, with all my heart.
Honestly, I don't believe in the Christian version of heaven.
I believe in a place full of love, because that's what I think God would have wanted for us.

And He's God, so it just makes sense. I think if you were terrible, and your heart was empty and you hurt little children, then you'll get what you deserve. Maybe you'll just be left living inside the terrible heart that beat inside you when you were alive.
Who knows.

I pray though. At first I didn't, but it's not something that I can stop doing, at least not consciously. I still talk to God in the car, or when I'm worried. And I still feel Him, I don't feel like I'm talking to myself.
I feel created.
I like the idea of meditation, so I'm going to look into it.
I still love some worship songs, but I'm not willing to go to a church, at all.
Although I respect it. If it makes you a better person, and more loving, then heck yes, go to church. If it makes you stressed, sad, or worry about who will or won't hang out with you at said church...that's kinda messed up.

More to come on all this.
But it definitely felt good to get that little bit out.
 
 
What if you're really into something, a certain way to express yourself, and your guy or girl isn't?
What if they won't have any part in it?
Is it just a too bad for them, because they're missing out on a great part of you,
Or is it too bad for you, because it says something about your relationship, and your partner's feelings, when they're not willing to get to know you better?
What if you write poems and he plays in a metal band, and you'll go and see him play but he won't read your poems?

What does THAT say?
 
 
Well not this year anyways. SO MANY of the kids I graduated with/are my age just graduated this past week, and I'm not going to lie, I feel left out. I'm not in the sea of green this year.
And I won't be this time next year either (at least I don't think so). I'm one of those kids who do odd summer courses so my semesters are all weird. 
And I didn't go to a 4 year college. I went to a community college, got my Associates degree, and then transfered to a 4 year college to get my Bachelors. And even though it should've taken the same amount of time, it didn't. 
But you might be wondering what the point of this post is.
Here:
I value my time at my community college.
My adviser in high school, when him and I sat down and talked about my choice to go to community college instead of jumping right into the university, really rings true in my ears today
"When it comes to school, it's the end of the race that counts"

It's not about how long it takes, or if you didn't go to some fancy private college. At the end of the day, it's about your degree. It's about how you finish.

And I will finish next summer with the knowledge that I gained at my community college, after changing majors many times. I've learned all about children and the different ways they learn when I was learning how to be a teacher for children with autism. I've learned how to roll someone onto a back board and strap them down when I was training to become an EMT. I learned how to be quiet, and how to speak up. I learned that some times no one will give a shit if you don't, so you better. 
 
 
we all knew this. But I think sometimes I'm going to start listing specific examples of weirdness.
I'm weird/crazy.
Craird.
Wezy.
Who knows.

#1. Because Etsy is addicting has gorgeous things, and because DAMMIT I will get married one day, I've picked out/made a list of:

Engagement Rings!

Everyone deserves pretty things guys! It's like window shopping! It's not weird! 
Ok. It's weird. Whatever :)

[and ohhhh yes, 'Engagement Rings!' is a link to my legit list, just in case you want to get that stalkery]
[seriously. go for it. there's gorgeous rings out there!]






Maybe I'll just propose to myself. 
 
 
Ok. I miss my random blog posts, do you guys?
I'm sure you do. 
I can feel your joy from reading this all the way over here, and it's 
AWESOME. 
---So I'm gonna throw some thoughts at you! Ready?
You look ready.

 
 
We all care differently
About different things
Living in different worlds,
And then we get upset when others don't care about what WE care about.
It's weird.

It's weird how I see it in myself,
When I see my friend hating something that I have learned
Is not the worst thing in the world.
And it scares me to think that,
Because it means that somewhere someone is thinking the same thing
About me, and what I care about. 

But it's not about me
Or about you,
It's just the things that we do
That matter in the end.
So I can get up on my horse that is quite tall 
And deem your cause less worthy than mine,
But even that won't matter unless I do something about it.


---And that is my weird train of thought---
 
 
Picture
It's so easy for things to blow up in friendships. Or relationships in
general, especially using technology. It is exceptionally easy for me
to get hurt, hurt others, and a multitude of other things that could
be avoided if things were talked out in person.

A friendship is definitely over, and maybe I should be more sad.
Mainly I just feel the weight of angry words that I was not expecting.
I would be more sad if the friend was in my life, but she's distanced
herself so much that there will be no noticeable difference.
She's rejected me to the point that my heart associates her with
canceling and a friendship put on hold.
Really the thing that I wanted-to still hang out in groups with her
occasionally,
has definitely been ruined.

I think people underestimate the power of offense.
I offended her, so she offended me.
Isn't offense just an outcry of pride?
Looks like yet again, pride has come into play, and before I could
call time-out, the game is over.
Neither side won.

 
 
I've often wanted to blog about pictures that have inspired me, either to create, to sit in awe, or to look inside myself. This is one of those blog posts:
When I scrolled past this picture in my Tumblr feed early this morning (Yes, I may have been in class, and YES I should have been listening. Don't judge!) my eyes jumped to #2 and half way through a face popped up. Of a girl who I used to love and hold in high regard; I loved that she was in my group of friends and that we shared a special bond. However these days, she mostly bails on me and never returns my texts. 
She shows me through her actions that to her, our friendship is not in high regards. And I've come to realize that in my life...
I don't need people like that.
 
 
One of the nice things about living in a technology driven culture is that when you want to not deal with rudeness and fighting, you can just turn off your phone. (Sometimes. Not always of course)

Tonight, I am ignoring my trials and tribulations. The things I could fight about but do not want to. The words I could write but see no use in them.

Tonight I relish in the fact that tonight will always be tonight. Dusk will always fall and make beautiful silhouettes of the trees in my backyard, their beautiful green replaced with a different kind of beauty. 
Rudeness does not affect them.
And tonight, rudeness will not affect me.
I am not untouchable because I do still feel the hurt of a message waiting to be written, a message that will hurt a friend who hurt me.
Hurts can go unsung, but eventually they need to do just that-
sing out. 
Not in harsh words or words that will tear down.
An explanation will suffice. An explanation I still do not look forward to giving. 

I still feel the sting of abrupt and impatient words that ended a phone call this evening. 
Not my words, not my choice.
And like the tree branches, my spirit sways.
But I refuse to not let the peace of tonight wash over me.
I refuse to not feel content with my life.