and lately it's become important for people to know that without me telling them. And without me forcing it. You know, super huge fake smile sort of deal.

But main point: I'm happy! And not the happiness that goes away after you finish your Chipote burrito, but actual joy. Joy in the small things. Joy in the big things.
Joy in the breathing that I get to do, all day, everyday.
24-7,365!

At this point in my life I feel like even if things started going drastically off the path that I had hoped, it would still be okay. Things change so much that I have learned to float and drift and just go.
I'm learning to stop and breathe. 
To do what I want sometimes.
To go with the flow other times.
It can't be either or, often it's a happy mix of both. 

You know what's been on my mind lately and I just haven't been able to write about?
I don't take part in Christianity anymore. At all. I don't believe it anymore.
I was taught that if I didn't believe, I wouldn't go to heaven.
But I've finally come to peace that I'd rather live how I see right on earth, and if that means I don't "go to heaven" then at least I'll have lived a life I can believe in, with all my heart.
Honestly, I don't believe in the Christian version of heaven.
I believe in a place full of love, because that's what I think God would have wanted for us.

And He's God, so it just makes sense. I think if you were terrible, and your heart was empty and you hurt little children, then you'll get what you deserve. Maybe you'll just be left living inside the terrible heart that beat inside you when you were alive.
Who knows.

I pray though. At first I didn't, but it's not something that I can stop doing, at least not consciously. I still talk to God in the car, or when I'm worried. And I still feel Him, I don't feel like I'm talking to myself.
I feel created.
I like the idea of meditation, so I'm going to look into it.
I still love some worship songs, but I'm not willing to go to a church, at all.
Although I respect it. If it makes you a better person, and more loving, then heck yes, go to church. If it makes you stressed, sad, or worry about who will or won't hang out with you at said church...that's kinda messed up.

More to come on all this.
But it definitely felt good to get that little bit out.
 


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