Well, this is my first update from Europe. More specifically, as you may have guessed, from Belgium! I'm currently in Waterloo, in the top most portion of my friend's house, where I'm staying with him and his siblings and his parents for a few weeks. It's truly great. But honestly, this is a sharing my heart post and not a gushing about being in Europe post. That will come later.
I just left a house [ie San Antonio] where I was constantly with Cristen, a very close friend of mine, who really interacted with me. We talked, we shared, and while I was there I ended a friendship that was bad for both of us. Now I'm here, and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I've had deep conversations, but I feel weird sitting down and telling someone:
(pertaining to the friendship lost)
I miss her. I miss her so bad it hurts. And I feel like she was my closest friend and when I go back I don't have anyone like that. It scares me. I feel hurt and unwanted because she didn't even care why I felt like we shouldn't be friends anymore. And even though I have enough self esteem to not let that consume me, it cut so deep I think it touched a a back muscle.
I just wish someone would listen. I know they will if I give them the chance, but for some reason it's like I'm holding this wound tight to my body and not letting anyone see. Like when you have a scrape or a cut and you know whoever you show will encourage you to put alcohol on it or say that it's barely a scratch; I'm scared. I wish I could sit down and pour everything out, but the only person who knows me well enough just...well, that's not happening.
Quite honestly friends, I'd feel bad bringing it up to him (the friend I'm staying with). I've gotten it into my heart that it's selfish of me to sit down and just share, because I know he won't share back. Other stuff he will. But some stuff he won't. I want to be "easy going" with him, because in the past I feel as though I've been needy. (Which is true)
And all I keep thinking is that I miss having friends.
And it makes me want to cry.
Secret: it has made me cry.
I just left a house [ie San Antonio] where I was constantly with Cristen, a very close friend of mine, who really interacted with me. We talked, we shared, and while I was there I ended a friendship that was bad for both of us. Now I'm here, and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I've had deep conversations, but I feel weird sitting down and telling someone:
(pertaining to the friendship lost)
I miss her. I miss her so bad it hurts. And I feel like she was my closest friend and when I go back I don't have anyone like that. It scares me. I feel hurt and unwanted because she didn't even care why I felt like we shouldn't be friends anymore. And even though I have enough self esteem to not let that consume me, it cut so deep I think it touched a a back muscle.
I just wish someone would listen. I know they will if I give them the chance, but for some reason it's like I'm holding this wound tight to my body and not letting anyone see. Like when you have a scrape or a cut and you know whoever you show will encourage you to put alcohol on it or say that it's barely a scratch; I'm scared. I wish I could sit down and pour everything out, but the only person who knows me well enough just...well, that's not happening.
Quite honestly friends, I'd feel bad bringing it up to him (the friend I'm staying with). I've gotten it into my heart that it's selfish of me to sit down and just share, because I know he won't share back. Other stuff he will. But some stuff he won't. I want to be "easy going" with him, because in the past I feel as though I've been needy. (Which is true)
And all I keep thinking is that I miss having friends.
And it makes me want to cry.
Secret: it has made me cry.
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However I would like to point out, that because of this crazy dependency I had on my one friendship (that just ended)(and ended badly), my eyes have really been opened to me not being dependent on God. I am currently in the process of seeing Him as 'friend' and not just 'God'. For a long time I was trying to see Him as 'father', and I actually had some progression on that. So that was fun. I'd go more into this, but I do truly feel close to God on this subject, and our friendship has gotten intimate fast. Heart hurting will do that. But God is good, and He has been a source of comfort here. Yay!
However I would like to point out, that because of this crazy dependency I had on my one friendship (that just ended)(and ended badly), my eyes have really been opened to me not being dependent on God. I am currently in the process of seeing Him as 'friend' and not just 'God'. For a long time I was trying to see Him as 'father', and I actually had some progression on that. So that was fun. I'd go more into this, but I do truly feel close to God on this subject, and our friendship has gotten intimate fast. Heart hurting will do that. But God is good, and He has been a source of comfort here. Yay!
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