That song used to mean so much to me.
 
"There's a wall that I tried to take down
What I should have said just wouldnt pass my lips
So I held back and now we've come to this

And it too late now"

And I've come to realize that it's become my life. To my closest friends I don't say what I want, because we've have too many fights, and I'm just tired. I've lost my voice.
And now sometimes I want to talk in other situations, and nothing will come out. I think over what I would like to say in my head, run it through the filter of what I SHOULD say, and the filter produces silence. Silence is required of me. At Catalyst we had around a half hour van ride to and from the arena/center to the hotel, and we used that time to share what we were hearing from God or what our favorite part so far had been...and what did I say?
nothing.
or.
Francis Chan.
no more, no less.

But you know what's awesome? 
God doesn't want it to be like that. He's speaking into my heart and trying to let me let Him in to rebuild it. So far it's a really slow and painful process. Monday night I went to a 'Holy Yoga' meeting thing at my friend's church, and it was way cool. Yoga with a God focus. And the leader (yogi?) (yoda?) (what?) shared with us some scripture and shared her thoughts on it, and asked if we had anything to share. And I did! So I actually said something! And it was all through God. Not even a bit of me. And everyone sat there and listened and smiled, and afterward a woman came up to me and said that she really liked what I said and that she was really encouraged by it. 

Awesome.

To sum up:

"He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me."

 


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