Wedding.

09/16/2010

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I just typed a big long post about weddings. And I knew if I posted it, that tomorrow I would come back and debate myself on it, over if I truly meant all of it and just tons of stuff. All I know is this:
  • I'm tired of thinking about weddings, and doubting I will ever have one to the type of man I want to marry. So I'm giving up the doubt.
  • Where's the doubt going? To God. I don't need it anymore. 
  • I just want to glorify God with everything I do. 
So this is me giving it up:
yeah I know, 3 random pictures. But I don't want to randomly find these on my computer anymore, and feel  the sadness and doubt try and creep back up into my heart. I'd like to quote Chris Tomlin and the song 'Our God' when I say:

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God… 

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against? 


(yeah. I copied it straight from the website cause I didn't trust my knowledge of the lyrics. Which is just silly, cause I knew them.)
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Ya know...the other day one of my friends was talking about hating that with some sin, you have to fight it everyday. And when I say every day, I mean:

Every. Flippin. Day.

and she was saying how that sucked and it was discouraging, to think that something that is so hard to fight for just that one moment in time, is something you are going to have to CONTINUE to deal with. And I was like.....yeah? Clearly I was having a slow moment. My brain was all 'Ooh shiny I'm sleepy' and I was not helpful in that texting conversation. But this wedding topic pertains to that exactly. When I think about weddings I hear

You are never going to have one. Dear goodness look at you, why would you even think you would have one?

I could go more into that, but I don't want to put thoughts into your head. Those words can get out, and stay out of my heart and yours. Thinking I'm not good enough and unworthy of love is something I deal with everyday. It's not one of those things that can be fixed by a few notifications on facebook or someone saying that they miss me. It takes those thoughts being replaced with God's love and His words in my heart

You. are so beautiful. the sky doesn't even compare.

I heard those yesterday on my walk when instead of listening to the other disgusting rude voices I gave up and listened to God. It has taken amazingly long to realize that I can't do anything on my own. And so EVERY.DAY. I fight to give up the reins to my own life, to tell myself that the truth in my mind (that I am not lovable) is actually a lie. And you know what? 

I wouldn't have it any other way. When I stop fighting something every day and just become complacent about it, I get attacked with it out of nowhere, and then I'm drowning. At least when I have to fight it by fighting myself, I become weak and you know...He truly does become strong. I have faith that if I fight everyday, one day the fight will become less. One day my heart will see God's truth as my own truth, and the lies and lies. I can't imagine wishing that the process would hurry up, I feel like that would be the same as skipping the first half of a painting, or the first pictures I take that are just crap. Instant gratification just doesn't feel that great anymore. 


I'd rather just chug along. Paint the first half, the part where you don't even know what's going to end up on your canvas. Take the first crappy pictures, because eventually you'll get to the good one. Can you even imagine if we all just went along for the ride and let God change us into who He's called us to be?
 


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